Bergkamp the Man & Our Clive on Chelsea
Dec 27th, 2010 by 'holic
You ‘holics are a talented bunch. I am indebted to BtM for sending a preview about the same time as I was writing yesterday. He put it in the drinks, but I think it is worthy of a wider audience.
The trip from Streatham to Arsenal Station promises to be icier than a Doctor Zhivagoan sleigh ride; chillier than a third class, deep freeze ticket for a mid-winter railway trip across the Steppes from Gdansk Bay to Murmansk; frostier even than the breakfast cereal of a Siberian Sabre-toothed tiger called Tony. Potato Vodka, Comrade Holics, is likely to be the tipple of choice at the ‘Tolly. Everything else will have frozen, solider than Joseph Stalin’s heart, more crystalline than Leon Trotsky’s underpants after a midnight swim in the Sea of Azov.
It’s time for the Russian Empire’s invasion of Emirates Stadium. Time for some three thousand or so misguided missiles from the Grand Duchy of Moscow, the world’s largest stockpile of weapons of self destruction, to meander their way from the Bust Stop in Fulham, in a freezing fog of sub-arctic blue, to witness the Red Flag of Arsenal flying higher than Yuri Gagarin in Vostok 1. Gooners will, most likely, make them even more welcome, than Jose Mourinho at an Abramovich dinner party in the Kremlin of Stamford Bridge.
The Monday after Boxing Day is set for a fifteen round heavyweight contest with the putrid pugilists of perestroika in the blue shorts matched against the artisans of creativity in red, ready to dance around Chelsea’s lumbering armoury, more nimbly than Rudolf Nureyev and the Bolshoi Ballet. It’s time for The Gunners to put Didier Dogbreath in a Nutcracker; sail Salomon Sturridge down Swan Lake for a peck, put Pedr the Great inside Peter the Wolf, hammer Ancelotti inside a baboushka of spaghetti until he’s sickler than Boris Yeltsin after a good night on the Glastnost.
For Arsenal, it’s bigger than Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace. It’s the event that the BtM crystal ball has been preminiscing since September. It’s the Age of Enlightenment, it’s the day the Gooners go top and stay top. It’s the day that the handbrake on the big games is left off and Arsenal start Putin it in, in style, and go top of the Periodic Table quicker than you can say Mendeleev.
And who better to provide the final line of defense against the Russian front than either one of our two Polestars, with Fabianski likely to be favoured over Woj by the thinness of the string on a balalaika? A back four, of Sagna, Djourou, Koscielny and Clichy with Alex Song lying deep will provide fortification stronger than the partisans of Stalingrad. Fabregas and Denilson would be my pick for duty in the middle of a red square with Van Persie, Chamakh, Nasri packing the silent punch of Red October and forming the frontline most likely to fire Sputnik One and torpedo Chelsea amid ship, sending them into a higher orbit than Laika the space dog.
I don’t see a place for Russia’s finest haircut, the Meerkat of Minsk, the conserver of energy extraordinaire. That means that Arsene likely will, and that Andrei Arshavinsky will be firing Molotov cocktails through the freezing fug of a red hot cauldron from the first spark of the liquid hydrogen in the mighty motors of Arsenal’s inter-continental Soyuz ballistic missile launcher. And, I have to admit that Wilshere for the Sultan of Swing and Squill for JD20 may be closer to the front of Arsene’s mind than mine.
In addition to flashing “HOME WIN”, the swirling mists inside the BtM crystal set is signaling three stratus clouds on the red side of the globe to one wimpy cumulo nimbus strand on the blue side. To the non-metrologist in the holics’ midst, that’s 3-1 to the Arsenal and a good drink afterwards at the Tollie on me if the ball’s correct.
Enjoy it Holics. The view from the top on New Years Day will be one to savour and enjoy. A glass half full, then half full again, of your finest, barman with the compliments of the season to all at Holic Manor.
As if that wasn’t a bright enough start to my morning, the following was added by our Clive.
After the Hunters trapped the Wolf,they locked him in a cage where he languished for several years,suffering grievously.
Then one day a curious Elf,to whom iron bars were no more an obstacle than the shadows of grasses on a sunlit meadow,took pity on his plight and asked, ‘ What can i bring you that will ease your pain,? ‘
And the Wolf replied, ‘ My Foes To Play With.’
Thanks both. I am suitably invigorated for tonight now.
74 Responses to “Bergkamp the Man & Our Clive on Chelsea”
You cannot do anything but admire this.
Proud to be a fellow ‘Holic.
Hilarious!
Come on Cesc!!!!!!
‘Afternoon ‘Holic & ‘Holics
Can’t wait for tonight as I have been gifted seats again in The Northbank Upper for tonight’s battle on The Eastern Front. Xmas pressies come no finer than this.
As we lay siege to Leningrad and prepare to take out their T-90s with our superior Chieftans I’ll be taking along my bins to look out for a mesmerised BtM as he attempts to warm his hands on seat 42DD. If Denilson plays and scores he may even get the opportunity to dream of lifting a couple of large, more than half full cups. Then again, maybe it’s me who’s dreaming…
Looking forward to pre and post match drinks at The Tolli and a 2-1 win for The Mighty Arse with RVP scoring one of ours and the inevitable Dogbreath to get the consolation goal for the Purveyors of Champagne Perestroika.
Come on you Mighty Reds and cheers all 😉
PS For Clive: An absolute classic quote that deserves a decent home win as its reward.
Hahahah, fantastic, love all the Russia puns. Btw the F in FSB stands for Fulham, right? ;D
Top shelf gents, speaking of which, pour something from it for the lads please ‘holic.
Right, time to kick off my Crimbo, it’s family time untill 20:45 cet, I hope my nerves don’t get the better of me.
COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!
Absolutely magnificent post! Kudos!
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Wenger WILL avenge Napoleon tonight.
Hurrah and Huzzah for a masterclass in blogging creativity by Bergkamp the Man. I love the way the accumulation of half full glasses leads to our cup overflowing. Now it is nearly time to lead the wolves to the slaughterhouse, and I don’t mean the ones from Wolverhampton. Come on you RRR’s!!!!!!
i would put bendtner on right wing where we can pump high ball to him, he will win headers against ashley cole and we can start attack from there. djourou should starts too with koschelsy at center back. nasri and fabregas in middle 3 alongside alex song and arshavin on left. if wenger wants to be bold, he’ll put chamakh there. this time we won’t loose in height.
RVP’s Right Foot,
Spot on. I’ll circum-navigate London on my way in tonight just so that I can travel via Waterloo.
Nasri,
Or even Hurrah & Hu-Tsar. Happy new year mate!
Cracking post BTM..!!
Only a few hours to go now – don’t really care about the result as long as we fight like thieves and attack without fear! Thats all I ask.
Heh! what a post 🙂
Come on Arsenal!!
Haha, good work on expanding the audience, ‘holic.
Well done BtM and Clive!
I wasn’t planning on having another drink today, but go on….
BtB & Clive, you guys are dope, is all I can say. Appletini for me.
Posting from the damn phone
I meant BtM 🙂
Lovely posts, great positive atmosphere. Come on the Gunners !!
I LOVE THIS WEBSITE!! always gets me in a good mood for the game, can’t wait … quietly optomistic about tonight.
COME ON YOU GUNNERS!!!
whats with all the gay humor?? this article blows but Come on gunners!
Come on you REDS!!! Great post Holic!
Fabianski, Sagna, Koscielny, Djourou, Clichy, Wilshere, Song, Fabregas, Nasri, Walcott, Van Persie
Bang goes my Chamakh bet 🙁
Cech; Ferreira, Ivanovic, Terry, Cole; Essien, Mikel, Lampard; Kalou,,Drogba, Malouda
Return of the Lumplard.
Talk of Szczesny being a late replacement for Fabianski ..wtf?
I hate Richard Keys – Feckin ape.
What a day to be stuck in a car! Awful planning. But today I believe. Nervous MbM reading to begin soon.
COME ON YOU GUNNERS
JD makes the starting XI? I like it.
Henry is there!
Come on you GUNNERS!
😀
One half done and dusted and Arsenal in the lead. Long may it remain and let’s kick some Chavski arses.
SOooooooongg!!
Come on Arsenal!
So, was I right about Song or not:)? NOBODY was marking him!!
Song’s goal was better than any orgasm I’ve ever had.
Fabregas!!!!!
FUCK YEAH!!!
Theo!!!!
YES!!!
YES!!!!!
GET IN YOU FUCKING GOOOOOOOONNNEEEEERRRRS
OOH ARE YA OOH ARE YA OOH ARE YA
THEO!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!
Time for Chelsea to dig deep into their bench for some extra firepower… Oh wait…
Get in you Gunners.
We’re gonna win this guys
Our substitutions are awesome!
The lads have played fucking well tonight..
..thanks for the xmas pressie guys I’m grateful
FT
Yessssss!!!
Wonderful. Just wonderful. Almost forgot what this feels like.
HELL YES YOU GUNNERS
Come on Arsenal 😀
That was sensational…..we looked so hungry……Theo or Djourou joint man of match I thought.
Just keen to win back the ball and sensible defending….so worth the wait…..!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
now i can take the pins off the drogba voodoo doll
come on you reds!!!
Tim Djourou or Song for me
Wilshire was excellent tonight too!
someone scrape me off the ceiling – and put my credit card behind the bar. Fantastic stuff.
Djourou. Man of the Match, no question for me.
Hopefully now the manager trusts him enough to put him in the presumed starting XI.
This game is testament that Djourou should be playing every week
Theo’s goal was magnificent. Great stuff for a lad who supposedly doesn’t have a footballing brain.
Feels nice to win at home against a lower side again. 🙂
Song man of the match by a distance.
😀
I’ve been telling my Chavy mates for the last two weeks…they’re a small club!
Maybe Wenger man of the match for shuffling the deck? Either way….it was lovely
Theo theo theo!
Wenger played a squad with a good record against Chelsea…
…RVP, Djourou and Walcott…Well done Gaffer!
Lesson learnt from OT. We can only get better.
Go on Wenger makes those tactical selections based on form!
Haha its so good to be here today, we seriously had forgotten what scoring against chelsea felt like, I had tears in my eyes when I saw theo laying it for cesc,
Damn I had realised we had nailed it !
What a defensive performance, excellent..
Djorou is a must starter, and song for all his losses in consistency has pulled it back and he was top class today!
It were djorou, kozzer, wilshere, song and theo who won the game for us today!!
I’m soooo happyy hahhaha enjoy it ya’ll, we hav deserved this more than anyone else ..
Let’s mob the townnnnn, kings of London once more!!
Cheers Holics! Wow, that felt good.
Zico- I think Holic can add my card too!
Dadric, Djourou had a hella of a match. He’s beginning to look like the real stuff. I hope he keeps it coming.
Some very good performances tonight. Djourou was excellent, Wilshere buzzing like a bee and Theo a real threat.
However, for me Song put in one of the best performances I have seen by an Arsenal player this season. He was everywhere tonight, broke the deadlock and I lost count of the tackles / blocks in his own area. Excellent performance.
On a different note, I like Koscielny but he needs to man up a bit and not be so lightweight.
Can’t wait to see him paired with a fit TV, pik. They should complement each other well.
Also, hell of a prediction by BtM.
Djourou should get a place in the starting 11 for the rest of the season based on this performance.
Song MoM by a distance, his forward runs are outright genius, nobody ever marks him.
Condolences to the Chavs. They tried hard to patch up a poor squad!
As for us. Still the best squad in the Prem!
And our manager was spot on when he said its them who come to play at emirates so its us who will decide if we win our season or not!!
6 points from next 2 games and we are rolling ..
United remember have to play chelsea twice! We are done with chelsea for the season 🙂
Oooooh if we can manage the score of eastlands at emirates when city come here ..
I love it when people post in CAPS as if they are shouting at the game. Passion shows it self in strange ways via this inter-web contraption.
Paper-thin, powderpuff Chelsea.
Time for a drink, or seven.
^^ Oh, and excellent post above ‘Holic. 🙂
@Edofoz
Now if only there was some way the internet could convey the confused look on my parents’ face as a 25 year-old ran around the house yelling “Theo Walcott!!” ecstatically.
For Clive – “our foes were brought to our cage, and they were well and truly played with”.
Guinness please, lots of it, and keep it coming barman. And whatever all these other fine holics are having.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Dadric – I nearly woke up Baby Goonertown when Theo scored!
I can communicate my thoughts no other way than to say…
Wo~hoo……..you rip roaring Gunners!!!!
Incredible result tonight for the boys.
Keep on believing 🙂
Cuba Libre’s for everyone on the bar tonight barkeep!!!!!!
Now it’s us against the boys from manchester, be it blue or red. Let’s hope Chelsea rediscover their form just in time for the games against the mancs. Upwards and onwards!
What a game fellow Holics, I’m speechless now…
Song, Cesc amazing tonight, Theo looked awsome too, the whole team contributed to this…
WELL DONE LADS WE LOVE YOU EVEN MORE TONIGHT!
COME ON YOU REDS!
WENGER OUT!!
Oh, wait..