Malaysia Through Wolfgang’s Looking Glass
Jul 14th, 2011 by 'holic
It’s a new guest poster being introduced to you today, although both his style and he will be familiar to regular ‘drinkers’. The artist sometimes known as Wolfgang Smallballs has rescued me as I have still yet to see anything other than the twelve minutes of highlights that eventually appeared on Arsenal Player last night. Despite that particular frustration it was great to see Arsenal back in action again. At least we have some real football to argue about now.
I understand from our esteemed Landlord that he was unable to watch the first Arsenal outing of the fledgling 2011-2012 Season. He is unable thus to pen his usual musings on all things Arsenal and it therefore falls upon me, Wolfgang Smallballs, Speedo Enthusiast and sometime Jimmy Choos wearer, to provide the first match report of the new season.
The new-look Arsenal were not as new-look as some of us would have wished. Long-time target Gervinho’s fish supply has still not been agreed and so the Dolphinesque poacher did not travel. Attention was therefore focused on the new boys, Jenkinson at right back, and Flying Japanese 12 year old, Ryo Miyaichi, on the left wing . Both impressed .
Jenkinson, whilst caught out on a couple of occasions to balls played on his inside to Malaysia’s own speed merchant, showed both strength and no little pace in recovering the situation. Miyaichi hugged his touchline, and showed a willingness both to receive the ball, and to take on his full-back with pace and trickery. Go get his visa Arsene.
Resplendent in Wycombe Blue, young Jack was the pick of the early exchanges and it was his entirely typical surge into the box that provoked a defensive lunge. Penalty. Up stepped Rambo, who dispatched the resultant penalty with aplomb. 1-0, and the Malaysian and Indonesian Goonerhood, making up the seemingly vast majority of the 50,000+ crowd, reached new decibels of support.
Notwithstanding the odd breakaway, and the usual glimpse of defensive frailty which may have been punished by better opponents, it was clear Arsenal were a class apart. Theo’s pace was wreaking havoc on the right and he had already missed one glorious opportunity, when Ramsey, playing in the Fab hole, played a ball of Fab quality in every sense of the word , to enable Theo to loft the advancing ‘keeper with a delicate touch. 2-0.
Half-Time, and as I munched my way through a carton of deep fried Bees Arsene rang the changes. Only the new boys and Ramsay survived the cull. At the back Mannone, Squillaci, and Djourou replaced the altogether more reliable Schez, TV5, and Kos, and immediately we looked less assured. Denilson, on for young Jack , contrived with Mannone to give away a needless corner, before the Italian, anxious to impress by keeping all the action firmly centred around our goal, decided to take time out and ruminate on his impending nose-job whilst still holding onto the ball, and conceded an indirect free kick 16 yards out.
In between these potential catastrophes Ramsey stole a march and drove into the Malaysian Box, but was unable to apply a finish which his energy deserved. A few minutes later Vela, on for Chamakh, applied his trademark sand-wedge finish. 3-0. Carlos, it seems to me, will struggle to be anything more than a bit part player, but with these kind of skills get your money on him to win The British Open in two years .
The third goal signalled the end of any meaningful contest and the last 35 minutes were played out at a canter, with the Gunners contriving to find yet more imaginative ways of missing gilt-edged chances, the afore-mentioned Vela being the most culpable. Traore, on for the for once uninjured Gibbs, skipped forward meaningfully on a couple of occasions, whilst boy-mountain Frimpong showed that his name was the only thing he had in common with the more svelte Malaysians .
The biggest cheer arrived on 67 minutes as Arsene brought the Big Guns, V-P, Sagna, Arshavin, and a slightly sheepish Nasri into the fray . The Malaysian Goonerhood, uncontaminated by sensationalist tabloid headlines and misconceived radio phone-ins, cheered Samir’s every touch and were rewarded with a couple of mazy dribbles. A lesson for some perhaps, of the mutually dependent relationship between support and player-performance . Boo him when he’s gone but not before.
There was just time for a salad fuelled Arshavin to get to the byline and pull one back for Rosicky to apply his nut and make it 4-0. Game over.
I have to say at this point I had a spring in my step. A meaningless pre-season friendly it may have been, nothing more than a vigourous training work-out, but there was something rather wonderful about seeing many thousands watch their beloved Arsenal in the flesh for the first time. Stripped of all tabloid skulduggery and ill-informed punditry it is comforting to know that football, and Arsenal, endure. Forget the media, forget our own fifth-columnists, the good guys always win in the end. I’ve seen the movie a thousand times. Keep the faith.
Thanks Wolfgang. Keep taking the mushrooms!
244 Responses to “Malaysia Through Wolfgang’s Looking Glass”
first? great write up
Very wise editing ‘Holic 🙂 🙂
I was there in the stands. Now I can die peacefully. Haha. What great fun. And we got to see the new away kit used in a “match” for the first time….what an ugly sight.
I love that Jenkinson is a Gooner.
Well done Tabsgang Wolfballs, another masterpiece.
A drink of choice and a fresh carton of deep fried insects for that man please ‘Holic 😉
I’ll fetch my (golden) pipe…
Great write up. I can’t tell you how many times I burst into laughing while reading it. I love the joke about Mannone’s nose and “Dolphin Gervinho”… You raise good points about how we should always support the team no matter what. Keep up the good work!!!
I see barcelona are 26th according to forbes. i dont know why we dont buy it, asset strip the players then close the f***ing place down
Excellent write up tabs 🙂
Cheers
Good luck Paddy V by the way.
Shame we didn’t sign him-up to be part of our training/mentoring team. That would have been just like another new signing 😉
Hey TS , Harsha ,
Where’s PV4 gone TS ?
These bee crisp thingies are playing havoc with my digestive system 🙂
Hey tabs,
To the backroom staff at Middle Eastlands. Pravda.com have announced his retirement from playing football. Would have been wonderful to get him back to the home of football in a similar role but maybe that ship sailed a long time ago or he’s waiting for a big change……
Either way, can’t help but wish him luck even if it is with Citeh
😉
He’s the new football development executive at Man Shitteh..
Whatever that is
deejay – smart man, let’s do it
Hmm , can’t wish a legend anything but the best , but can’t help but wonder at the enormous wonga he must be on to dissuade him from continuing to play on . Could still be an effective bit part player for many many sides ( including us ) , imho .
Anyway , time for lunchtime pints and a wee toke on the pipe ? 🙂
tabs @ #14,
Agreed, agreed, yes and f*ck yes 🙂
Have you thought about what you’re going to do with you new-found fame and fortune? A fresh pair of Speedos and a new pair JC’s sling-backs?
I’ve got a telegram here from a Mr H. Clive-Ness of the Secure Unit wondering if you’ll still find the time to go back and pay him a visit?
Fame but no fortune TS 🙂
I am still in the Secure unit TS .
Wolfgang penned the above from the inside of a Malaysian Police Cell , as a result of questionable activity at the game . The original report also contained a plea for Holics to take up arms and agitate for his release . Holic very wisely decided that the wider world was not yet ready for the more insane ramblings of Wolfgang 🙂
tabs,
Oh yes, how silly of me. I recall talk of ladyboys, coming off the wings and playing dwon the hole in the last post.
All of the DLL team would like to wish Mr. Smallballs the best but remind him that he’s still bound by the terms of his NDA should he be tortured by the Malaysian Authorities for details of the HT Mk II’s propulsion system 😉
Understood TS , I will try and get the message through to him 🙂
Perhaps WGSB’s report on his post-match activities will appear as one of the drinks later on? Having conquered Malaysia we are are moving on for our next game to China on the 16th but I hope we left behind a security detail because Chelsea will be arriving soon to attempt to undo Arsenal’s good work by snatching up our legions of newfound Malaysian supporters. If Smallballs is still in a Kuala Lumpur jail cell maybe he can lead the anti-Chelsea revolt??
‘nasri @ #19
What? In a pair of swimming trunks and sling-backs? Anyway, it’s only the ladyboys that follow Chelski. Real men and women follow The Arse…. 😉
Quite right TS .
Wolfgang’s ramblings might get posted later on Nas , when only the regulars are at the Bar .
I know small things please small minds but seeing ” Malaysia through Wolfgang’s Looking Glass ” in amidst all the usual transfer gumph on ArsenalNewsNet has quite made my day 🙂
tabs @ #21,
And so it should 🙂
At least we know it’s packed with 100% more veracity and informed writing than all of that other bollix. 100% more deep fried bees too 😉
It’s the thought of all the Grovers seeing the headline and thinking who the f*ck is Wolfgang which is tickling me TS 🙂
Heh tabs! Gaweth TC & Gervais desperately tweeting their fanbase and urging them to ignore the article and to trust in Pam instead 🙂
…. Er, are we on our own again or just frightened the sane and sensible ones away?
…. In Pam we crust? 😉
Nice write up Wolfy, ya don’t mind if I call ya Wolfy do you, or is it Mr Smallballs now that you’ve hit the bigtime. 😉
Pints for the taTS and me please guv’
And right on cue another mad one turns up . Pull up a chair H2H , and cheers for the Beer . TS , i’ll get the pipes 🙂
@SV.
You posted in the last drinks;
“£20m for an unproven English youngster Henderson, £20m for Downing??? WTF is that club thinking??? Suarez, however, was a steal — that lad is pure class.”
Suarez??? Class???????????
Sorry mate, but you and I must differ greatly on what we consider “class”.
Suarez is a reknowned diver, fouler and all round cheating little git.
This is the guy that was banned (last season) for 6 games due to biting an opponent.
===
As for the mugsmasher – Liverpool link, that has nothing to do with holiganism of younder, it is a term coined by Arseblogger;
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mugsmasher
Afternoon all –
Nice one Tabs – Gervinho a fishy poacher, eh ?
Stingy from yesterday – i’m not in the States, my voodoo is practised from Blighty, in the leafy glades of Hertfordshire – you know, where all the Man United fans come from.
Now a very swift return to work.
Hey H2H , thanks for that definition . I must admit I’ve always wondered . Have to confess on using it myself without knowing where the term came from or indeed what it meant .
Cheers Trev 🙂
*Chair’s pulled up, take’s lurk on pipe*
Your welcome tabs, just goes to show what a reach Mr Blogger has, but don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be hearing people ask for the keys to the MC on the HT.II when you’re in in the vicinity of the Tollie or the Grove in the not too distant future.
Before you know it Mr Smallballs may even have his own swimwear line. 🙂
🙂 I’m sure that’s Wolfgang’s ultimate dream H2H
Nicely done Mr. Smallballs, appreciate the writeup. I like the look of Mr. Miyagi and the very goonerish Jenkinson, although I’ll like it better in the good ol Red & White.
Barkeep, Could I get a nice frothy Guinness still got 5 hours left in this work day
Cheers TaBS, and apologies for the edit, but I can’t have people being more entertaining than I on the main post 😉
Oh, and Trev, take the speech marks off your smileys 😉
OMG – what have we created?
tabs, anyone asks for the keys, you ain’t seen me, roight?
No prob ‘Holic , as I said before , a very wise choice 🙂
I think we got away with it Dr Z , but keep the keys well away from view .
Cheers H2H @ #27, pint o’ lager please. Not a bad idea, a couple of HT Mk II umbrellas in the outside areas of the Tolli. Pipes and keys on request…
tabs, DLL has already approached Speedo for a commerical deal. Let’s see what shakes down, oo-er missus.
Trexler @ #35, Mr. Miyagi, like it 🙂
oh and nice post Wolfgang 😉
TS – getting carried away again – disciplinary action is a mere internal memo away…..
Don’t want to get in the middle of Disciplinary matters .
I’m off to see if anything can be done for poor Wolfgang’s plight . 🙂
zico – Heh & cheeky s*d! Who was the person requesting other commercial deals in previous posts/internal memos? CMC usage affecting the memory? 😉
Tabs @ #42. Unfortunately, you are nicley sandwiched between #s 41 & 43 🙂
zico, would also refer you to drink #17.
Think you will find that was the elusive Dr Feelgood 😉
Heh! 🙂 🙂
Pardon me…
For those of you who were wondering how Ryo did yesterday, I found this on You tube, it includes all the goals too, commentry not English, so that should make it even more enjoyable ;);
Damn it, forgot the link;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1HGS0qEo8g&feature=related
Drink please.
This alter ego thing is getting out of f’in control.
tabs/WS
zico/Dr. Feelgood
TS/Prof. TES
‘Holic/The Barman…. oops!
off topic slightly but…
To the tune of the lazy song by Bruno mars,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUf1Ax9x6cM (52secs onwards)
Today I dnt feel like selling fabregas,
I think its best that he stays a red,
Dnt feel like picking up the fone
Xavi leave a message after the tone
Cos today I swear im not selling fabregas…. Nasri stays too!
Ooooo oooo, ooooo oooo, nasri stays too!!!
thoughts?
In case no-one noticed its Juillet 14 here in France, and we are trying to celebrate a revolution, with plenty of fireworks down by the river.
So when some foreign? intruder takes over ‘holics pure simple easy to understand blog, it must be time for another revolution , storming of the pastille or whatever it was
But Im worried about talk of revolutions in Malaysia and China, so can our beloved team of pure players perhaps come here for a pre-season friendly next year – there may even be some French speakers left in the team/management by then
Heads on sticks is the way forward.
Happy Bastille Day.
cognacgunner: Happy Bastille Day, and apologies for yesterday’s overthrow of the French women by the Americans. Your compatriots outclassed the Yanks for most of the game but unfortunately failed to make enough of their many chances.
Mr. Smallballs: Chelsea play in Kuala Lumpur one week from today so you have just enough time to get a bail bond and organize a violent revolt of Asian ladyboys. I have great confidence in your ability to complete your task.
Hey. Been lurking here for too long, time to get in. 🙂
Excellent blog Goonerholic, a fresh wind of positive thinking amongs all the doom mongers.
Thought about what RvP just said in asia. It’s been said before, “we were exhausted from World Cup” bla bla bla.
Why is this an excuse for the breakdown last season? If you look at Farcelona, pretty much their whole starting 11 played every game in the WC.
I think we are mistaking fatigue for lack of commitment / urgency complacency might be something to watch out for this season instead.
8 ball: maybe Mr Smallballs, in order to get the ladyboys up for it, could explain to them that footballers are always looking to exploit the space in the hole behind the front? Then I’d bet you they’ll be all over the Chelsea players!
Mangz: welcome to the bar! The two main reasons for the Farca players not being as tired is that they have a winter break and that they also play in a physically less demanding domestic league. However, I do agree to a certain extent, maybe there is, sometimes, too much talk about fatigue. Even if it isn’t meant as an excuse, it might easily become one for some players.
Tired?
Pah.
56% of goals conceded were from set pieces. Too tired to jump then?
Still, played one, conceded none. This train is bound for glory 🙂
Very good piece.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/iain_macintosh/07/13/arsenal.crisis/index.html
Hello chums.
Home via the hospital, and the garden where friendly neighbours forced me to drink the evil alcohol 🙂
Off on a brief break tomorrow, but should be back with something about the game in China at the weekend assuming the hotel wifi is active.
Thank you for being utter nutters…
Nice find Snir.
Think the guy is getting carried away though if he thinks that we could sell both Cesc and Nasri and just walk out and buy replacements. Nasri maybe, but who do you replace Cesc with?
Holic @ 58 – re your piece at the weekend, given recent events maybe you should be more concerned about being able to watch the game on Arsenal player than the hotel wifi being active? (Don’t mean to open an old wound…..)
Great post tabs….maybe you can put a malaysian carraige on the HT for a bit of a party.. Arshavin looking good and no rumours of him leaving which I am more than happy about..
If they fuck up at the weekend I will be able to get a stream, zico. Just couldn’t do that yesterday without risking the sack!
Zico – He does get a bit carried away but he’s just saying that it seems inevitable (and to an extent exhausting) that Cesc would leave, therefore we’d have to cope without him and Nasri (if we sell). When he says replacements I think he means for Nasri.
There is no replacement for Cesc on the whole planet.
Heh, holic. Work gets in the way of the important stuff, it’s a pain.
Noel – the HT MkII is, by definition, a party. You just need to find the appropriate carriage for whatever, eh, your requirements might be.
If for any reason you can’t find what you’re looking for, there could be a few redundancies. Please fill in our customer satisfaction survey at http://www.dellocos.com
Our website may be down at the moment……
On behalf of the Management
D L Limited
Well I was looking for a carriage that catered for super heroes riding emus while carlton palmer sang the complete works of james joyce in a welsh accent to the tune of running free by iron maiden…or is that the second one up from the bar…
If Noel finds that carriage, then I’ll have a pint of whatever he’s drinking and please send a bouncer to chuck Carlton Palmer out of a window (as long as the train’s is still moving.
Cheers.
Tell me D L Ltd is nothing to do with the Dalai Lama? You bastards will have me sent downstairs on the day of reckoning 🙂
‘Holic – we have llamas, but they are nothing to do with the Dalai. Do please try and keep up – it’s simple enough if you’ve got about 19 hours to spare every day.
Thanks to you and all the other fine chaps in here who are still trying to help me achieve the seemingly impossible task of producing a perfect ‘smiley/winky’. One day, you know, monkeys and typewriters and all that . . .
🙂 😉
Yay !!! 🙂 🙂
YES!!!! 🙂
“Ain’t no stoppin’ us now” – 😉
There you go Trev.
You’ll be hacking into the NSA next.
So Trev has learned the secret of the smiley, and I am typing drinks on an ‘hPad2.
This is indeed a momentous week!
‘Holic, I have to say, before you go on holiday, that after the deep depression of the end of last season, that your bar has kept me, and quite a few others, royally entertained over the summer.
Without the other regulars in here, it would have been a very much harder three months to endure.
Some great Gooners and, I sense, some great blokes posting on here day after day, including of course Mr True Storey who I have now had the pleasure of meeting. And hurting.
Enjoy your holicdays.
Cheers for now.
H2H – Arsenal Player will do me for now. I may be back pleading for another link at the weekend if it works half as well as last time.
🙂 😉 🙂 when your smileying, when your smileying, the whole world . . . .
Cheers Trev,
I am exceedingly fortunate to attract some very articulate and, it has to be said, barmy Gooners!
I am extremely grateful. You keep me on the straight and narrow when I am in danger of being lured by darker forces 😉
Holic @67 – Delirious Locomotives Ltd – It appears that TS and DrZ are the major shareholders . Wouldn’t like to say at this stage which one is Silent Stan ( neither ) , and which one is the fat Russian . It would seem TS favours a more expansive commercial policy , whilst the more cautious Dr Z prefers to keep things in-house 🙂
Trev @68 , 69 , 71 and 75 – Bravo Sir . 🙂 🙂
Ah, I see TaBS, Zikroenke!
Now, if BtM is looking in, Ollie and myself confirmed visitors to the pub post New York Red Bulls on 31 st.
Looking forward to a chinwag.
Nas@53 and Lars @55 – I have Wolfgang’s personal assurance that he is on the case . Ladyboys of the World unite and all that … 🙂
Mangz@54 – Initiation ceremony for first time posters – A pipe full of the best Californian Homegrown … Good luck mate 🙂
Noel73 @60 – Thank you , and as regards your rather exotic requests outlined @65 , I think you’ll find TS is your man , a genius at coming up with the impossible . Rivals James Garner from The Great Escape in that regard 🙂
Dear Mr ‘Holic and Messrs Holics ,
Firstly may I say thank you to Mr ‘Holic for allowing me to pen my first match report and thank you to all Holics for your very kind words .
I must confess , at this point , a selfish as well as an altruistic reason for my report . Those of you that follow the trials and tribulations of my sorry life on a regular basis , will know that I have to overcome many Speedo- related problems in order to make my life bearable . The life of a standard-bearer for Speedoes is never easy , but it is with great sadness that I have to report that matters have taken a turn for the worse .
A dream holiday to Malaysia , a time for showing off my new Speedo Summer collection and a chance to see the first stirrings of an Arsenal rejuvenation from the ashes of last season , has turned into a personal nightmare.
I should have been aware that as I took my seat in the stadium , clad only in my commemorative 1971 Double winning Speedoes and a pair of Jimmy Choos , that I would become the natural leader of The Gooner Ladyboy Massive . At first I reveled in the attention and dare I say , love , that I received . However , things soon turned nasty . At the final whistle , I started a chant “ We want more Arse “ , and inexplicably the Police moved in . I am now in a police cell ,awaiting trial , accused of operating as a Ladyboy whilst still in possession of an Adams apple .
I have been deserted by my “ Rock “ , Virginia Ironside , I have no legal representation , and I am sharing my small cell with 29 other captives who are looking at me in a very carnivorous way . Not for the first time , only my Speedoes stand between me and a fate not worth contemplating . Indeed , I would go as far as to say it is only my speedoes that are keeping me alive .
‘Holics , you are my last hope . Write to your MPs , mount a Facebook Campaign , march on Westminster in your Speedoes , and boycott Malaysian dumplings . Get the message out there , and Justice will prevail .
Mr Lars and Mr 8ballNasri , you will appreciate that my incarceration means that I am not able to correspond at length at the moment , but I give you my word , on the sanctity of my Double winning 1971 Speedoes that I will do everything I can to unite the Ladyboys against any outpouring of affection for Chelski FC . I understand they already have a certain Mr John Terry in their sights and have something special planned for him .
Yesterday was a good day with the mighty Arsenal winning 4-0 , but for me the future is less certain . ‘Holics , remember the Mantra and pass it on … … Free the Speedo One !
Yours in uncertain times ,
Wolfgang Smallballs .
Nice one tabs.. eerr….. Wolfy…….eerrrr yeah, nice one.
I always thought JT was already a lady boy, check this out;
http://www.anorak.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/transvestite_lucy_mbd210109display.jpg
Brilliant H2H 🙂 , I never tire of seeing that picture . It is unbelievable that it is not a set up such is the likeness , but apparently its kosher 🙂
Thanks Holic 🙂
FREE THE SPEEDO ONE!
FREE THE SPEEDO ONE!
FREE THE SPEEDO ONE!
🙂
For fuck’s sake stop snivelling Smallballs, or whatever your bloody name is.
Think your the only one with problems ?
I’ve been out here the best part of five fucking days now and so far, in this bloody steaming hell-hole, I haven’t seen another sorry solitary human being dressed as a fucking Sumo wrestler. Fit in my arse! If you see what I mean.
Didn’t realise we even had a bloody game yesterday – missed the whole sorry show. Now it seems we’re off to China. My luggage all went missing on the plane so I haven’t even got my Chinese outfit of little green bow-tie and slightly too tight black trousers to change into.
Best be off before I miss the sodding plane. My new travelling companion, Rick Shaw, awaits.
Peter Hill Wood @87 very sorry Sir . Brilliant post Sir 🙂 🙂
Thank you for your support Mr Lars 🙂
Here’s a song to lift the spirits of Mr. Smallballs in that stifling Kuala Lumpur jail cell. There are rumors that a local ladyboy friendly lawyer, Ms. Lucy Nutcrackerjee, is on her way to the magistrate on his behalf as well as a dsafe rop of lawyers, guns, and money.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwXMkfeH95k
Wolfgang my friend, That was meant to be safe drop, of course. My colleague Mr. balls does not use the keyboard to best effect, but he tells me to expect the safe drop shortly on the roof of the prison so there appears to be reason to hope. 🙂
Drink for Trev and smileys please barman. 🙂 😉
Additional good news: Rupert Murdoch is in trouble with the FBI. I’m sure they will treat him with kid gloves and nothing but the “fair and balanced” approach. Perhaps a prisoner exchange can be arranged with Mr. Smallballs being placed in charge of the media empire and Mr. Murdoch sent to languish in the stifling Kuala Lumpur jail cell???
PIK has indeed gone missing but the clue to his whereabouts could be in this article about the discovery of the largest marijuana plantation in Mexico. With so much cultivation to be done, such a long commute down to Baja, and avoiding the Sinaloa cartel and the Mexican military, the lad appears to have been much occupied so let’s hope he’s alright.
http://news.yahoo.com/army-finds-mexicos-biggest-marijuana-plantation-192837972.html
Tabs/TS/WSB/Zico et al
It has been the week from hell here at the Secure Unit.
It appears we have seriously underestimated the GST’s new offsider
Sebastian,aka ‘ Mincing Mary ‘.
He has belied his nickname and his effeminate looks by behaving like a fucking Rotweiller on heat.
He has obviously been given the green light by ‘ Schlossy ‘ to make the life of the ‘Guests’ here at the SU,complete and utter hell.
Put the fucker in a pair of Jackboots,give him a Black jacket and he wouldn’t have looked out of place at Adolf’s side in 1941.!!
The little shit has procured from somewhere,a little electronic device that bleeps with a red light when it is within 15 Metres of another electronic device.
It is like a little homing beacon,and has really put the cat among the fucking pigeons.
That is why i am hiding in the Trees that surround the grounds of the old Monastery,within which the SU and the IU are housed,while i send this update.
The arsehole is also rumored to be investigating the installation of closed circuit cameras,to monitor our every move after lights out.
I can feel the walls closing in and i am sure given the unrest among my fellow ‘ guests ‘,that there will be BLOOD.!!
The lovely C is convinced that MM has twigged to our relationship,and she is getting very stressed,which has hit the Oral and Manual Knee Tremblers for six.
It is very difficult to get near MM because he has surrounded himself with the 4 skinheads of the Apocalypse,who have been appointed as his own personal bodyguard.
A meaner/evil looking bunch of Mother Fuckers you couldn’t wish to meet,although sadly the more morally corrupt Guests among us,seem to be quite smitten with them.
C and I are working on plans to overcome/circumvent these new upheavals and i will keep you posted as to our progress.
On to other matters,and there was a sensation at Dinner this evening,when the Head Chef came rushing out from the kitchen looking decidedly shell shocked,he told everyone who was eating the Beef Stew,to down utensils.
It didn’t apply to me as i was partaking of the Roast Chicken being a non red meat eater,but i was still intrigued as to the reason.
Anyway the HC proceeded to drop a bombshell in our midst.
He told us that Julian the AC,had confessed to him in tears,that whilst preparing the Beef Stew he had been fantasising about the GST,
[ who he has the rabid hots for ] and had got a raging Boner,and before he knew it he was frantically polishing his Spatula,got seriously carried away, and before he knew it,he had ejaculated copious quantities of his seed,into the fucking stew.!!
Well you could have heard a pin drop in the Dining Room,many of the guests went decidedly green around the gills,some started choking, and expletives started to rent the air,and then to our utter consternation, the Deviants among us put their hands in the air and asked for fucking seconds.!!
Needless to say the Dining Room descended into uproar.
Julian was last seen legging it across the Moors,and i doubt if we will see him anytime soon.
It is just starting to get light here among the Trees so i will have to close now,the lovely C will let me back in to the SU via the Fire Exit so i should be safe.
Don’t be alarmed if you don’t hear from me for a while,as i will have to be very very careful from now on.
cheers
Clive
PS,congrats on episode 5 Tabs,it’s getting more and more convoluted
by the episode.i think when you penned that one,you were seeing L.I.N.S.W.D’s.!!
Let’s see if you can decipher that one.!!
Too easy really,in fact if you don’t work it out,you are not the man the Dinner Lady from the Isolation Unit, tells me you are.!!
Extra peas indeed.!!
CW – was just about to eat the left-over beef stew from last night when I read your note – for which many thanks
The only problem is that here in France they are still recovering from the last British beef scandal
Now we will have more probs with Beef Nasri and Wenger Whip no doubt – so long as they dont touch our Sagna Sauce
Ah, the merits of not eating red meat. Fiendishly cunning, Mr Waterman.
Give my regards to the lovely C. 🙂
Am I the only one who thinks that keeping the Speedo One behind bars may be a good idea for the rest of the community?
Will no one else think of the children……?
Clive, life at the secure unit seems hard. Hang in there, only a few weeks left until the season starts!
FREE THE SPEEDO O… err, wait a minute now – zico might just have a point there, right?
Clive, I can’t help noticing the newly restrictive conditions at the Secure Unit. If you are already in the surrounding trees, what is stopping you and the lovely C. from making a break for it now the preseason has begun? Confinement may have its attractions but this is starting to sound a little much.
Lars @97 – you seem to be under the impression that the start of the season will make people less mad ?!
Morning compadres,
WS is still of value to DLL and knows far too much about the workings of the company.
I say, provide some reasonably sensible outer garments, forbid him from wearing JCs during normal offcie hours but get him back to base ASAP 😉
A celbratory 😉 for 100!
Thanks for the drink last night nasri – care for a morning coffee.
Ok 101 then – back to work, again.
The bar was eerily quiet and empty this morning. I could hear the wind blow and saw some tubleweed drift by in the empty street outside. Was beginning to fear that you had all been locked up in the Secure Unit but then 8 ball and Trev showed up, so now I can relax!
Trev, now that you mention it – no, not really…
Oh, and TS is here as well! Good, was getting bored being in here all on my own.
Fucking hell China’s hot!!
Bloody lot of people here too, aren’t there?
Are they all Arsenal fans, come all the way out here just to watch pre-season friendlies?
You see, I told you they are all idiots.
Now for lunch – must be an Irish pub here somewhere for some proper food. Bugger these tight trousers.
It’s my fave “Arsenal” lunch today then – on the menu as “Gervinho and Vela”. You know, Fishy and Chips.
PHW aka WS
Superb 🙂
Professor Storey,
DLL will have a board meeting later to weigh up the worth of Wolfgang Smallballs to the company against the negative PR attributable to his “ventures” out in his debatable wardrobe.
I for one will be voting for the current state of remand to continue – at least until his minder, tabs, shows up and provides us with some tangible proof that his antics abroad are not liable to bring the company into further disrepute. Contrary to popular belief, the “workings of the company” are totally transparent to anyone who cares to look, and all our meetings are published in the public domain.
Some of the more interesting meetings have been published on an internet blog.
DLL website is still under maintenance……
Dr. Z, I have been seriously considering an investment in Delirious Locomotives Ltd. but with the website not working my investment advisor threw up red flags. With so much convincing documentation and an attractive company profile written in the archives of Goonerholic.com I assured my advisor that DLL was the stock exchange acronym but he said no such acronym is registered. What can you say to reassure the willing but reticent investor?
Investment advisor is also somewhat concerned with the proliferation of aliases among the corporate officers …
bt8bbnn,
I believe that D L Ltd are a limited partnership, and thus not registered on the stock exchange. The names of all the partners are shrouded in secrecy, and it is believed that some of them are merely fronts for more secretive owners in the background.
I have noted however your interest in investing, and your interest will be passed on to my good friend Dr Feelgood who may seek you out in his next visit Stateside. (You will of course have to dispense with your duelling banjo…..)
Trev @ #101
Sorry 🙂 😉 🙁 Trev 🙂 😉 🙁
Pipped you to it.
Cheers for # 74 and a tipple of your choice.
Afraid that I may have undone the good work of Tuesday last night at the footie. Thanks heavens for ice packs and Ibuprofen*
* consumer notice: other anti inflammatories are available.
**further consumer notice**
At the right price.
Dear Goonerholic & Goonerholics
I’m writing on behalf of Ivan and Arsenal’s world-class commercial team to express our sincere apologies for the issues that many of you faced when using Arsenal Player to watch our match against the Ladyboys XI.
The feedback from this site has been deemed as invaluable and as a result at least five of us were, under the express orders of Ivan himself, given a thorough whipping by Lady N for not providing a quality of service commensurate with the club. Some of us are still in our isolation tanks as a result.
So that we can demonstrate that lessons have been learned and to give Lady N a chance to recover, we have approached the technical team of DL Ltd for advice on media infrastructure and video communications.
I will attempt to write again, or might even send one of those facsimilie thingies, when we have further news to report. In the meantime PHW send his further best wishes ‘to the plebs’.
Yours bowing and scraping
IPA
PS: May I fetch my pipe?
Dear Ivan’s PA
What is a facsimilie, and can you smoke it?
Dear IPA,
I have bought a few bottles of Fuller’s 1845 that I intend to enjoy tomorrow whilst watching football, so the Player had better work or I will have a word with tabs about letting Wolfgang have his way – with his Speedoes off – with you all.
Best wishes,
Lars
IPA @ # 113
Good to see you here. Well done on learning to type and use a PC at the same time, must have been a challenge.
I can confirm receipts of your RFQ by pigeon post and will respond shortly after DL Ltd’s management team has reviewed and discussed your document in full. Unfortunately, some of the team are away on extended leave overseas so our response might take a little longer than normal.
May I say how refreshing it is in this day and age to receive something hand written on parchment.
If you could supply us with an email address (assuming that you have one) for our response then that would be very helpful.
Kind regards,
Edwin
Good to see some new faces in here today 🙂
Internal Memo – Delirious Locomotives Ltd:
————————————————
From: Doctor Feelgood
To. Prof T E Storey
________________________
Edwin, just a quick heads up about the next Board meeting and there are a few lively topics on the agenda:
1. Tottering heels in the far east
2. New silent investor makes approach to DLL 3rd party
3. HT Mk II – technology patent protection & HT Media
4. Swedish blondes (aka any other business)
I only put the last item on to ensure that certain Board members can lay off their Crack pipes long enough to show some interest.
Be there sharp – 11pm
Dear Lars
On behalf of Highbury House we sincerely hope that you enjoy your bottles of Fuller’s finest.
As you can see from The Professor’s response above, the necessary beefing-up of our technology-thingies may take us a little longer than anticipated but when it has been done, Mr.Wenger Sir has asked me to convey to you and your friends that it will be just like a new Arsenal signing.
As to your threats regarding Mr. Smallballs Sir, Ivan Sir and Sir Peter Sir have asked me to point out that Mr. Denilson Sir will be deployed to deal with any such approaches and that we may have finally found a good use for the stroppy little f*cker.
Yours
IPA
Lars,
I know you have been confident all summer about Fab 4 staying but what do you make of AW’s comment about us “being in negotiations” when rebuking Xavi’s latest gob-fart?
Internal Memo – Delirious Locomotives Ltd:
————————————————————-
From: Prof T E Storey
To: Doctor Feelgood
________________________
DF, looks like an interesting agenda. I can confirm my, clear-headed, attendance later tonight.
FYI, having reviewed the scrolls from Highbury House it’s clear that they have not a clue about what they need in terms of technology. If we’re to submit a sensible bid then we really need WS back and in a fit state to communicate.
I’m resigned to the fact that my esteemed colleague is unlikely to ever dress in a conventional way but I would ask that he refrains from munching on deep fried insects during his lunch breaks, could you have a word please after his return assuming that you can help to secure his release?
See you in the boardroom.
Dear IPA,
Denilson will not be enough to stop Wolfgang. Mr Smallballs will only tell him it is a set piece, which will cause Denilson to lose track of him.
Denilson nonwithstanding, I look forward to being able to enjoy tomorrow’s events. I only hope that the Arsenal Player does not suffer a cruciate ligament injury.
Best Wishes,
Lars
Erm, it appears IPA’s technology weaknesses have been infectious. Post #121 was from The Prof 🙂
Lars @ #122
Excellent! 🙂
Afternoon All ,
Clive @93 Lucy in the sky with Diamonds perhaps ? 🙂
A rip-roaring episode Clive , and you think Behind The Arse is convoluted 🙂 Proper laugh out loud stuff – brilliant .
PS The Isolation Boys are breaking out tonight . Iben Dover has been smuggling , in my peas , keys to all the Secure Units , and break out is planned 23.00 hours . You and the voluptuous C are welcome to join . Before we leave we plan on making Sebastian eat all of Julian’s stew as payback for his Gestapo like tactics .
Nasri @89 , 90 , – I will be sure to pass on the good news to WS re the lawyers , guns and money . Your news is sure to keep his pecker up . I think we need to act quickly , WS seems to have lost support in our Caledonian Branch , and this ” let him rot ” attittude seems to be spreading .
Right off to whip up support for Wolfgang and get my nuts cracked by Miss Lucy .
PS Can’t work out who’s who in here anymore , or are they all TS ? 🙂
zico, I did find that rather peculiar. Maybe Barcelona have, at last, managed to shut the fuck up and started talking directly to Arsenal and not to everyone else. I still don’t think we’ll sell him for anything under £40m, though.
I am not as sure anymore that he will stay, but if forced I would still put my money on him staying. However, Arsene’s altered stance on Nasri (from selling him if he hadn’t signed a new deal by the start of pre-season to not letting him go even if it means him doing a Bosman next year) makes me think that something might be afoot after all. Guess all we can really do is wait and see.
Bollocks – must remember to change username – rumbled . Got away with it last night when ‘Holic was around to correct 🙂
Clive @ #93
Another fabulous missive from the Secure Unit. Look forward to the next one and hope that The VC keeps your spatula clean and polished.
Clear signs of multiple personality disorder in here – and so say all of us!
tabs & zico,
I can assure you that there’s only three of me here today 🙂
tabs @ #127, see #123 – oops! 🙂
Lars @ #126, we three agree 😉
Wolfgang, In view of the Arsenal Player’s technical difficulties there may be an urgent need for you after leaving your stifling cell (Inshallah!) to proceed directly to China to provide another match report since ‘holic seems unwilling to rely on one of the free streams on the internet (most of which are much more reliable than Arsenal Player, of course).
8Ball @132 – I fear my missive at 125 was a little misleading bearing in mind it arrived inexplicably on WS headed notepaper .
I think it is unlikely that even the redoubtable Miss Lucy will be able to secure Wolfgang’s release in time for the chinese game . I think the very least Wolfgang can expect is a banishment from Asia .
I on the other hand … will certainly be in Hangzou , though not for the purposes of supplying a match report .
I fear that all these internal memos , multiple IDs , Boardroom Meetings and shady investment Deals have distracted the Shareholders of D L Ltd from the main task in hand .
Wake up fellas , tomorrow The Happy Train is in Hangzou Greentown .
Greentown ?!! Sounds like a CMC opportunity to me , especially with PIK off the radar . The Chinese Green alongside the Californian Green , a heady double header brew .
Its a good job one of us is drugged up enough to remember the Drugs – thats all I can say .
tabs, urgent Board meeting tonight.
So, with regard to the Chinese HT, you are in charge.
*prepares for international incident and deletes voicemail*
tabs @ #132
Triple Heh – Let’s try and identify a reliable and fully resourced source for Hangzou Green (HG) as soon as we step off the train. I’m not sure we can replicate the quality of CG but it should be available without essence of llama.
BTW, Professor Edwin has asked me to ask you to remind Wolfgang that should he manage to get himsulf sprung from jail that his first duties must be to DL Ltd and not writing match reports, no matter how good they may be.
IPA has asked me to remind you to remind Wolfgang that he could use the Arsenal Player as a consolation for not being there.
Are we all clear now ??? 🙂
tabs #133, not #132, pah!
Tabs, Please be sure WGSB doesn’t turn his back on Miss Lucy. Knowing that Malaysia practices Islamic law which does not look kindly on ladyboys, her local legal expertise and ballbreaking skills may be of invaluable assistance in this undoubtedly ugly and stressful situation. But you are quite right. It is time to refocus attentions on Greentown and the more delightful prospect of the HT steaming into victory lane. Opiates left and right, I understand. 🙂
Ah, it appears we’ve crossed posts with the zicos.
tabs, looks like you’re in charge. We won’t be there. Good luck 🙂
WS/Tabs at 125
There’s a staff meeting at the SU,so i have sneaked into Cicilia’s room to post this quick update,
Unfortunately i cannot join you on your planned mass br/out tonight,because C will never leave.
Her family own the land that the old Monastery was built on,and she feels obligated to stay and fight the good fight regardless of the odds.
She had a stress attack when she convinced herself that MM had rumbled our relationship,but she has regained her Mojo,and is already working on strategies to overcome the little shits onerous new restrictions.
Her brother is a techno whiz,who as we speak is already working on a way to block the signal to the little fuckers new electronic tracker.
She is also confident her Bro can fuck up the new internal security cameras.
So all is not lost,C will not yield, [except to me of course]and is determined not to let the ” Dark Forces ‘ take over.
As regards your planned mass br/out,i feel it imperative to warn you that i have just found out that not only has the slimy little cunt gone and electrified the fence surrounding the grounds,but has also bought in about a dozen rabid Wolfhounds to roam the grounds after lights out.!!
You may need to cancel said br/out and rethink your strategy,
Better to stay and fight another day,than lose your Bollocks to a pack of Wolfhounds.
Regarding your comment about making MM eat all of Julian’s stew,unfortunately the Deviants among us scoffed the lot last night.
There were even rumors that they drew lots to see who got to lick the Stew pot clean.!!
God save us from the Devil’s spawn.!!
cheers
Clive
Re: Dr. Z @110: Aren’t duelling banjos the new norm? Dr. Feelgood’s promises of transparency have convinced me to make a massive investment in the advanced engineering research for the HT MkIII so the check will soon be in the mail. Judging by Lars’ bottomless account at the bar I wouldn’t be surprised to see a matching contribution from him on its way. Wouldn’t dare speak for the nice Swedish gentleman’s pocketbook, of course. 😉
Eeerrrmmm?? Eeeeeer??? Eeeerrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm??
I think I’ve found a new theme tune for this blog;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVffO-mNLdE&feature=related
Confused? You will be!
bt8bbnn – (should that not be, bt8bbn?)
All contributions are welcome – your payment may even go some way towards a self sustainable model. I believe the latter is item 4 on tonight’s agenda.
Maybe he can change his monniker to *ewtsacbnn.
*everyone wants to sign a contract but not nasri.
Sorry about that, next round’s on me.
Heh, nice one H2H.
Guinness, since you’re askin’ 🙂
Seriously, all these fuckwits down in Barcelona have got to just shut the fuck up.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2011/jul/15/cesc-fabregas-arsenal
The whole thing is very easy. Cough up or cock off.
Jaysus, the cheek of this c**ts is unbelievable.
I might hire someone to kidnap the son (if he exists) of this mayor to see if he can then tell the difference.
I’ll buy you a drink or two now, Lars! 😉
If I was Cesc I would be excruciatingly embarrassed by that. Yip, its disorienting right enough, the tosser (Mayor) is so far of course he may just be stowed away on the HT.
I like this bit;
“If the English are so honourable they should behave properly,” he added. “He [the Arsenal coach Arsène Wenger] has to stop clowning around because it’s disorienting for all of us.”
Un-fucking believable, how can that cuntbucket talk about honour?
It pissed me off so much I took immeadiate action;
http://lockerz.com/s/120041366
heh H2H
Hmm had another look at the PHW/ IPA exchanges from earlier . It would appear both contain the unmistakeable imprint of TS . But then I see TS replying to IPA who is in fact TS . Confused … I am !
Talking to yourself ?! It would appear both I and Wolfgang have some way to go before reaching the required minimum level of madness for optimum HT travel . I will endeavour to work on it 🙂
TS and DrZ @134,135,138 .
Looks like I’ve got a busy 24 hours in front of me , while you 2 pen pushers chew the cud at another interminable Board Meeting .
While you 2 are smoking your pipes and talking about Blondes , I’ve got to distract old Julian in the kitchen with false promises of spatula polishing , pick up my escape partners , satisfy Iben Dover for the last time , dodge the bollock-knashing Wolfhounds , circumvent an electric wired fence , get the HT II to Malaysia , charm Ladyboy Lucy Nutcrackerjee and relieve her/him of gun and money , secure Wolfgang’s release with cash or bullets , jump back on the HT II with Wolfgang in tow having secured various undertakings as to his future dresswear , go on a short hop skip and a jump to China , where I have to make contact with the Greentown Cartel , in order to procure sufficient Chinese Green for the arduous months ahead .
On the upside , Dr Z said I’m in charge so perhaps a round of drinks for all and a little pipe smoking before I get cracking 🙂
Cue the Music H2H .
Clive , thanks for the heads up . I will respond in full in due course . Another great post @139 🙂
tabs at 150,
So you’re travelling with you alter ego on a hypothetical form of transport? I’d say you have comfortably reached the minimum level of madness for optimal travel. Please join us in the first carriage, welcome aboard (both of you) and Doobie Doo 🙂
H2H @ #141
Great them tune. Very apt. Have a pint / choice of prescription on me 😉
Dr.z @ #147
I took the liberty of sending one of the security guards to Catalunya. Said mayor is now in the pets carriage/compartment. Him and Cusop are already getting on well. There’s talk of a spatula fest.
Clive @ # 139
Thanks for the second of today’s installments. I am never going to eat stew again. Edwin said he’d like another helping, however 😉
Clive @139 ,
May I reiterate my thanks for the cool analysis of the prospects of success in our escape venture tonight . I immediately put your concerns before The Escape Committee ( Johnny Made-Good and Henry Risk- Lover ) , and they felt that given that all the Travel Documents are dated for today , any delay would prove disastrous .
Chances of success have been assessed at ” less than 1.3% ” , but the Committee feel its a risk worth taking .
I fully appreciate that you wouldn’t want to leave VC behind . I faced the same emotional dilemma with having to leave Iben Dover . Ultimately , I felt that her portions of peas weren’t worth hanging around for , and so I must bid you Au Revoir .
As regards the Wolfhounds , Plan A was to get Dr C to try and tame them ( he’s good with animals ) , but he does not appear to be around today , so we have had to revert to Plan B . This involves one of my fellow escapees , Nick the Nappy , who has been on a ” dirty protest ” and stinks to high heaven . It is hoped that his pretty ripe aroma will attract or at the very least distract the Wolfhounds for a sufficient amount of time to allow us to proceed with our bollocks intact .
Once clear of the Wolfhounds , I have managed to purloin from the stormtrooper her rubber gloves which she uses in her ” exploration ” activities . Hopefully , these will insulate me from major damage in climbing the Electric fence .
I will send word to you of success/failure via Iben Dover , who retains a certain affection for me notwithstanding that I have told her that a relationship based on peas never works out in the long-term . I have asked her to give my extra peas to you , in the hope she might prove a useful ally when the time is right for you and VC to hatch your takeover plans .
Best Wishes
Tabs
TS @151 , Great news , it’s all I’ve ever wanted 🙂
@153 Great work re the Major , – what a total f*cking c*nthead .
tabs,
No matter how mental things get in here, that total f*cking c*nthead beats us all hands down. I hope he was paid a lot of money for selling his soul to the Catalunyan Devils. What an embarrassment.
I’ll have whatever’s on offer TS, as long as it’s not beef stew, cheers.
It’s bar time for me, laterzzz.
Dont worry H2H, stew is off the menu forever unless you’re in the Secure Unit 😉
Your last sentence sums it up . Arsenal should refuse to sell at any price , and make it clear that their reason for breaking any Gentleman’s agreement which may or may not exist is as a result of comments made by Xavi and this no-mark major from Havent got a pot to piss in Village .
Heh tabs @ #160, I’ll drink and/or puff to that!
Could you ask Wolgang to ask Clive to send two huge pots of Beef Stew to c*nthead’s village hall and to Xavi’s residence? 😉
Will do TS , though I think it was Julian’s work that gave the stew it’s special tang 🙂
Right , I’m outta here for a while . Have a good one TS .
Storey@157: I agree. That fucking cuntbucket of a piss-head wins the Idiot of the Year award hands down. I do wonder what Cesc makes of all this, every man and his dog down there claims to know his inner thoughts and makes claims on his behalf. I am 100% convinced that Cesc honestly and genuinely loves both clubs and I can fully understand why he doesn’t say all that much in public because people will always look for things between the lines and twist stuff around. I understand completely if he wants to move, but it’s not just up to that. Barca have thus far not shown any inclination to do their bit, they seem to just want him as a trophy signing. CUoCO, that’s it, end of. And all this BS about how we got him in the first place having been due to loopholes or them not being able to sign professional contracts or what the fuck ever is revisionism of the highest order, they didn’t want him back then and didn’t say a peep until a few years later when they realized what a cock-up they had made in letting him go.
Fuck you Xavi, fuck you Rossell, fuck you you Mayor cunt. Cesc is ten thousand times the man any one of you will ever be. Now fuck off and stay there, please.
Right, off to have another Fuller’s 1845. Really good beer, and, as I discovered about halfway through the first bottle, quite strong as well…
Nice rant Lars @ #163. Have one for me. Look forward to your next viking invasion to these shores. If that transpires to be vs Pubis & The Meatheads then bring extra weaponry. Will you be travelling over by HLB (Happy Longboat)?
Storey, not much of a longboater me, I think it will have to be the HBAF (Happy British Airways Flight) 🙂
And then I get asked in this bar how come I hate Barca so much and in some circles that may be diagnosed as a complex.
Well then, I have a Barca complex, I hope they all literally drop dead.
It’s like they’re doing it on purpose to check if I can ever hate them more than Spurs. It won’t happen but they’re certainly pushing it!
http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/wenger-i-won-t-report-barcelona-to-fifa
Apparently he is for sale then if there IS a negotiation between the two clubs, we just haven’t been offered the right amount yet.
I’m starting to get sick of AW’s pressers, it’s starting to be impossible to believe them.
Snir, on the other hand we have always known that if they cough up the readies, we’ll sell him. Every player has his price, even Messi.
I know but I’d rather my manager be straight up with me with no spins.
I’m not saying AW should come out and say “everyone has his price”, but something like “Cesc is worth 60M and as long as that isn’t on the table there’s nothing to talk about”.
It’s the same with TV when he said that he’s not buying cos he’ll be back in 2 weeks but at the end of March he was quoted saying he never expected TV to come back this season.
I used to be an AKB but he’s really testing me everytime he has a presser.
Re: Snir @67 Barcelona aside, I would have thought that 50 years of failure would have made Sp*rs a little less despicable than they are but not the case. 🙂
Snir hi , forgot to mention earlier in the drinks , but thank you very much for the excellent article you linked to @57 . A very well-informed piece , which I would suggest , IG should learn by heart so that he might provide a rather more effective Defence of AW to all the Doomers out there , than he has hitherto managed .
To be a manager with no spin in this 24 hour news age , is simply impossible . Dont forget that AW is aware that during his pressies he is talking to the players as much as he is to us . Hence the ” happy with what I’ve got ” comments .
You can buy everything but class . We have it . Barca don’t . Chill Dude , you can’t expect a cat to suddenly start barking . Twattish c*ntheadery – it’s in Barca’s DNA .
Modric seems to think the same. 🙂
Oi, you at 171 – don’t you have passengers to take care of?
Tabs – I know he’s talking to the players as well but that’s exactly what’s bothering me. I want him to call out Almunia for going for a walk against W.B.A (Home AND Away), I want him to call out Denilson for jogging back to defense on a Utd break.
I’m sick and tired of him defending our players when he needs to challenge them.
He tried that approach (defending players) and it didn’t really work. Try something else.
Tabs, the most important component between a manager/club and the fans is trust, and if AW goes on with these pressers I’ll lose trust in every word that comes out of his mouth, I’d only watch the matches and nothing more which would cause some kind of distancing between me and the 24 hour coverage I get about the club and I don’t want that. I want to get updated on every single thing that’s happening but I’d like it to be (when coming from club, not media) genuine and respectful towards the fans.
What he did with TV has left a huge scar in my heart cause that’s literally insulting the fans’ intelligence.
Oi you @171 – thought you were in a Board meeting ? 🙂
Break out at 23:00 hours Dr Z .
tabs, nope, Board don’t meet till 11pm – spooky, eh?
Are you going to make the game against the Mugsmashers?
Evening tabs,
The DL Ltd board meeting is due to convene at 11PM also (see #118 from DLL T, whoever he may be).
Prof Edwin tells me that he still plans to attend.
BTW who’s alter ego is talking to who’s alter ego @ #s 87 & 88? Rumbled? 😉
Fak, zico and I continually cross-over. I’m going to ask The Prof to design a widget to stop this kind of thing happening….
Now there’s a question @ #176.
If answer is yes, will WS be attending too or do you leave him behinf in the Secure Unit when you step inot the real world, tabs? 🙂
dyslexia rules ko
Snir, I see what you mean but what good would bollocking Almunia in public have done? In the away game v WBA, Almunia played because we didn’t have any other choice because of injuries and after the home game v the same team he was dropped from the team, can it get any clearer than that that he isn’t happy with his performances? He also dropped Denilson for the rest of the season following WBA away, isn’t that also a pretty clear indication?
Fair points Snir , but AW will never ball out his players in Public . I can only speculate what goes on behind closed doors , but I think we might all be surprised . AW would never have reached the exalted position he has without being able to deliver a bollocking , and a big one at that .
I have sympathy for your point re being kept in touch as to every minor detail , as it attests to your passion , but imagine the tabloid field day if that were the case .
Give me the reticence of AW over media-whore ‘Arry any day .
That last comment is not in any way meant to associate your views with ‘Arry 🙂
Let’s not bother too much about Barca. They’re about to spend their transfer kitty on Sanchez so that will settle it for this season (but of course they’ll continue bleating). That being said it must be pretty infuriating for Cesc to hear all these love declarations only to be followed by insulting offers. If anything I hope that will sting him to play at his very best up to the WC.
@Snir: by now haven’t you realized that managers mostly have other people in mind than the fans when they speak to the media? When Ferguson says no deal for Sneijder it very likely means “200K/week is too much for us, get real”. He’s not the least bit concerned if the deal is announced next week, his goal being reducing the player asking wages and not catering to the fans.
Evening TS – re @87,88 – I know who WS is , but I’ll leave the identity of PHW for you to reveal 🙂
Dr Z re the mugsmashers , I wont be at the game as the season ticket is for various reasons too boring to go into leased out this season . Its going to feel mighty strange not being at every game . If the game is on TV , quite happy to watch the game near the Ems and sink a few with you boys post-game .
Snir,
Very wise words at #s 181/2/3.
Yes, AW can be infuriating at times. I’ll put some of his comments in China a little down to jet lag and a little down to a welcome that resembled the Beatles arriving in the US for the first time.
Good leaders often use the art of sending messages to their their troops indirectly. His comments about our defensive abilities, on the face of it, were those of a man who has not a clue what is really going on but if you are able to brush aside the obvious there’s some good stuff in there too.
Gareth TC & Gervias are masters at taking AW’s words and using their literal meaning to ridicule him. That’s why they’re so poular amongst certain regulars in this bar.
Love you love for the club BTW, especially being a non-UK resident. That does you credit but as tabs says, chill and enjoy! 🙂
tabs @ #184
Be sure to let us know which games will benefit from your Speedos and Jimmy Choos. Would be great to sink a pint or two with you after The ‘Pool esp. if you’re willing to wear trousers and flat heels 😉
OK tabs, message received and understood – the game is on sky at 12:45 on 20th.
Obviously, I don’t have a ticket yet (unless in a sudden u-turn, I’m to replace Pat Rice and its the secret of the season) so its all a bit tenative, but I’ve bookmarked a deal with BMI for that weekend which hopefully will come off.
Now, where did I put my copy of the minutes from the last meeting…..
T-shirt , jeans and 1977 canons scarf is the normal match day clobber TS – unless the sun’s out of course 🙂
Denilson looks like a gonner (as opposed to a Gooner) for next season:
http://goonertalk.com/2011/07/15/denilson-expected-to-secure-loan-move-to-sao-paulo/
Could actually be a good thing to loan him out. Maybe he can rediscover his mojo (regardless of the witch-hunt that is going on, he was very good for a while – his contribution to rescuing the 2008/9 season was quite substantial) and if so, we can take him back and if not then hopefully we can sell him then instead.
Matt: I think that Sir Rednose is genuinely not interested in Sneijder. I’m not really sure where he’d fit in at United, and to be honest – what has he really done that’s so amazing apart from having a great end to the 2009/10 season? He is also 27 years (i.e. very little sell-on value which is something ManU put a lot of importance on) and a bit injury prone (22, 26 and 25 league games in the last three seasons) and doesn’t score that many goals, he has never been in double figures for any season since he left Ajax even if you count all games in all competitions. He’s a decent enough player, but like Kaka I feel he’s being overrated by many because of one good run in the Champions League for one season.
Good stuff Dr Z – maybe we can all get together then , sink a few beers and go scouse baiting 🙂
…. in Speedos & Jimmy Choos! Eh? Eh? Chalm down mate, Chalm down…..
They would be lured TS , Wolfgang would probably be the best looking bird they’ve seen for years . WS can entice them into the Tollie , and then you and DrZ can go to work in your Peruvian anti riot suits 🙂
Heh! Actually, I’m not the violent type although the sight of a marauding Mugsmasher inside a favoured Gooner watering hole and with the protection of a flamethrower and a riot suit I could be tempted. I’m guessing Dr.z with his Braveheart genes would have no qualms about the odd chibbing (only joking zico) 🙂
Shite, I’m 15 minutes late for a baord meeting. Wait, no, that’s Prof TES….
Violence is the last resort of the incompetent (apart from Marbella….)
I might wear my cherry red DMs just in case….
@Lars: I agree with everything you said about Sneijder but for the fact that they spent as much on Berbatov and Veron who weren’t younger. But their need is dire, they can’t keep relying on Giggs forever and without him they have as much creativity as an Allardyce side.
Time will tell but Sneijder could well be on his way if he’s not too greedy.
To be clear, I used to be in favor of AW’s policy but I just want things to change, anything… It’s not working, something’s gotta give, may it be AW’s relationship with the players, the personnel, the coaching staff, something!
I’m sick and tired of having the best team in the EPL (and yes I do believe we have the best footballing team in the EPL, problem is their so called mental strength is shit!!!) and not winning the league.
These players DESERVE to win the league . Please change something, just make it happen, for all I care get the best sports psychologist in the market.
How many holes zico?
Edwin has just texted me saying the board meeting is going well with lots of resolutions being passed. The video footage taken by a local mayor to support item 1 are painting a picture of a hostage scenario.
Will we get to the 200 ? Come on lads , lets do it for Wolfgang !
Does it take to fill the Albert Hall?
Heh, 8 holers TS, or eyes if you want to talk posh 🙂
My God TS , is Wolfgang a hostage or a hostage taker ?
yeh!
Hostage tabs, but he gave those ladybobbies a good fight!
Some say that his hostage situation in a Malaysian jail packed with young boys makes him the new Cesc…. and that his taste for skimpy gold swimwear is an unashamed tip of the hat to Mark Spitz…. all we know is that he’s call Smallballs
🙂
Holic @ 79: Yes! Will be there. Her Nellieness in tow. Looking forward to a great week. Zico at the Diggers. Holic n Ollie at the Tollie. It just doesn’t get any better.
Bloody Hell!
What the Donald Duck is going on round here? One evening in with the air-con to get out of this insufferable bloody heat, and suddenly I’ve turned into the Invisible Fucking Man.
Not only do I seem to have missed a board meeting, that nobody told me about, but nobody even seems to know who I am any more.
Well I can tell you for nothing that I most certainly am not Gazidis’ PA. Last time I looked, I was Chairman of the fucking club, unless this new owner person has something to tell me.
I said all along that his sort was no good. Seems I was right.
Arsene seems to be getting some fearful stick, even out here on tour. Thought the fans would lose track of us for most of this “transfer window thingy” if we came this far away, but they seem to know every bloody move we make. Or don’t make.
Still, even if the idiots at home are still criticising poor Arsene, out here he seems to be a bit of a hero, and I hear Rice is very popular too.
Seems we have another match later today. This could be interesting as I believe we have another new striker. Heard the fans at the press thingy today all screaming for Lobbin van Persie. Should be lethal with Chips Vela.
Right, I’m off to purchase a new safari suit as the bloody luggage still hasn’t turned up.
Anybody know where tonight’s game is ?
Well then pay the f@@king ransom money or f@@k off then Barca
And if they can’t i think this thing has gone too far (3 years and counting our club capitan has been agitating for a move,it may be subtle but that’s what him and his people have been doing), to turn back, it’s undermining our football club.
Cesc has no John Devine right to go to them. If they won’t pay the going rate let’s put him on the open market and get a fair price for our investment in him.
This is how football works in every other case when a player wants to leave.
Benzema and 15 million quid from Madrid sounds about right to me.
Up The Arse
‘holic, You may have noticed the advertisement at Arsenal.com for the Arsenal Player says “Always Ahead of the Game.” Any comments, or dare I ask?
Been going through Youtube for Paddy clips and look what I found…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrZXYEen64Q&feature=related
This is part one, the other parts are linked on the page as well.
`Earth to Arsene, Earth to Arsene – Transfer Mork: … consensus says we need an experienced GK and one of the best of recent times – Shay Given – is available, and the prices being mentioned seem reasonable – You imagine we could have made him part of a wind of change deal when Gael got shipped out to them the other day.
Re LB – next v important season do we really have to rely on an injury prone kid who hasn’t established himself in the first team yet? Enrique has made himself available and my B-in-Law who pops along to planet Magpie regularly reckons he’s ‘Reet good’ going forward and ‘Reet solid’ at the back.
You’re our leader so you know best – but why gamble again Arsene, after all you’ve got the most to lose? – you’ve got the money – we need to strengthen – let’s do it. i’m trying to stay on board but you’re making me and many of the earthlings round ‘ere n-nervous – You’re end of season suggestion that a change is gonna come is starting to look like all Mork …
And my Arse is getting Mindy!
pardon for wrong yore …
so 3 Arsenal transfer targets walk into a bar … 1) R told they’re too young to be served – that they’ll have 2 wait outside for a couple of years and stare through the window at players from other places enjoying themselves/filling their boots etc
2) There’s no such thing as 3 Arsenal transfer targets
3) They refuse to pay what the barman wants and get told to get lost
Wot still no defensive recruits –
More than worried after AW latest comments – we are not weak defensively – we’ll spend if needed – no we won’t – stop trying to kid us
Wolfgang, Not sure where the Open Championship will be held in two years’ time but I do like the chances of Chips Vela so seeing as this year’s tournament is at Royal Sandwich, please make mine a sandwich, chips and beer.
Snir, Great ciips of a great Arsenal player, Patrick Vieira.
Snir, Just getting through the rest of the clips and just saw the goal by Cesc wearing #57.
Good morning all, from a very wet West Country 🙁
Well, what a night that turned out to be.
Bracewell-Smith flew in and rang me to insist I meet her at the aerodrome thingy. Never seen so many Wings on one plane.
She made me go with her to some secret venue where she fancied a Chinese. But, as she didn’t like the cut of their jibs at close quarters, we went for a meal instead.
In return for a taste of my prawn balls, she let me have a little try of her sweet and sour.
Fucking Hell!!! Didn’t realise what I’d been missing all these years. And so freely available!
Now, I’m off, refreshed, to see if I can find out where this match is this evening.
Good Luck with the Arsenal Player suckers !!
Toodle-pip. Come on the jockeys.
‘Not sure where the Open Championship will be held in two years’ time’
It’s at Muirfield in 2013 I believe
BtM @ 205 – all good at this end.
On holiday that week too 🙂
This has got to be a joke, I can’t access arsenal.com at all right now. Bloody hell, they ain’t making it easy for us to be honest and pay for our content.
If I find a good stream, I’ll post it here.
If anyone else is having trouble accessing arsenal.com, it seems the direct url to the player works:
http://player.arsenal.com/
I am now logged in and watching the pre-match stuff.
cheers Lars – giving it a try
Anyone who needs a stream , Firstrowsports very good . Is it just me , or is anyone else finding Stewart Robson intensely irritating ?
Poor half, but a nicely worked goal at the end. But did you see the banner that some Chinese fans have made? “Barce pay £40 million take Cesc away or go and wank!!!” – top stuff! 🙂
Tabs, you are not alone. Robson rarely says anything positive, he just complains. Sure, most of it is valid but it gets quite boring to listen to.
Lars, was actually just about to write about that.
On my most hated person on ArsenalTV and on that awesome banner. They’re a bunch of geniuses.
Hey Lars , Snir ,
Glad its not just me then . Robson presents facile solutions to complex problems and dresses up cliche as ” technical analysis ” . And the pitch of his voice goes up at the end of each sentence Aussi stylee , so that everything sounds like a question . Irritating .
As for the Chinese you cant but admire their banners and match day wear .
http://yfrog.com/kj4s1mp
Peter Hill Wood @206 and 217 – Great stuff , whoever you are 🙂 ( My money’s on Trev )
tabs, what a brilliant shirt!
I want one!
Damn my alcohol induced comatosed sleep, I missed my first game in I can’t remember how long.
It looks like à bomb went off here in the bar, so it must of been à good night. O well, time to hit the Bloody Marys and get the place shipshape, i’ll come back later for à report.
À round for the lads please guv’.
“We are not weak defensively”- has the real Arsene Wenger been kidnapped and stashed in an allotment just outside of Stoke and replaced by one of Ferguson’s dodgy sons who’s wearing a Wenger mask and doing an iffy french accent.
Arsene’s got me going schitzo. Come on man don’t fuck about on this. OK we have got 3 decent centre halfs at the club but two of them are injury prone and as for the fourth he proved yet again 2 day that he shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the shirt. Our left back is injury prone and has nowhere near established himself in the premiership.Our keeper, thou talented is inexperienced so let’s have some decent cover should his form dip.But apart from that we’re defensively sound (don’t no-one mention set pieces)
i want to be on Arsene’s side and what he said at the end of the season had me hoping he knew it was time to modify the TAMM. And i know that some of his statements are for agents, players, media as well as us blah, blah, blah – but saying that about our defence has me really worried that he’s rationalizing doing nothing/very little all over again – and manalive is that gonna leave him and us effin exposed.
Come on Arsene spend some fukkin’ money and improve the team/squad!!!
Heading head first for the CMC!!!
So here we are with a barrow load of Yen or Dollars or whatever the hell it is they use out here.
Whatever it is, Gazidis said through a huge grin, that there is a hell of a lot of it to count up on the plane. Seems the shirt sales went well after all. Idiots aren’t confined to Blighty, it would appear.
My own personal joy can hardly be confined either. On the way to the aerodrome now, but still can’t forget last night with the fragrant Lady Nina – sorry, I mean Bracewell-Smith.
Having tasted her honey and jasmine flower, I just cannot forget the vision of her teasing her lips with my chopstick. Can’t we extend her a special invitation to board meetings.
Oh well, the aerodrome it is then.
Can we get direct tickets to FC Strumbliwumbli or wherever it is we normally go in summer. What, we’re not going this year ? Who said ?
For Christ’s sake, I thought life was supposed to get easier . . . .
Arsenal Player, you are the weakest link, goodbye.
Tabs. The reason I hate him is he’s anti arsenal.
Won’t forget how he would go on on arsenal live with roebuck on how we’re gonna win the league in 09-10 but them said we’re not a good enough team for that when commentating on Sky.
Am I the only one who noticed that the commentator’s volume decreased to almost nothing when he talked about Cesc working on his fitness in London?
Conspiracy;)?
Hi all,
Just popping in for a quick beer before I pop out..
1-1? Wagner out 🙂
Cheers
It’s bleeding quiet in here tonight – did someone pass the Volstead Act?
Yeah I know, so quiet… I’m still waiting for everyone to confirm my conspiracy theory 😉
Internal Memo – Delirious Locomotives Ltd:
————————————————
From: Doctor Feelgood
To. Prof T E Storey
________________________
Edwin, minutes from last night’s board meeting
1. The Board, whilst somewhat concerned by Wolfgang Smallballs increasingly idiosyncratic behaviour, have agreed that we should use all means at our disposal to have him released and brought back to this country for treatment at the earliest opportunity. It was agreed that there may be occasions over the course of the season when some distraction may be necessary for the passengers – whilst it may not be to everyone’s taste, a grown man in swimming trunks and Jimmy Choo heels should at least give occasional humorous respite whilst we change the beer barrels.
2. Offers of additional investment to D L Ltd were politely declined by all partners (or at least those attending) as it was deemed impossible to carry out the usual “unfit and improper person” test on the American gentlemen concerned. The Board were keen to stress that this, and other offers, will continually be reviewed over the course of the season (after all we don’t want to make a habit of not spending other people’s money).
3. HT Mk II – technology was quickly sold to Arsenal.com to rectify their Media Player problems – the result was there for all to see today……
4. Swedish blondes – err, there weren’t any (all working the bar on HT Mk II as it happens)
One other item of business was the proposed “Contract” on the Mayor of Catalonia – this appears to have been over subscribed already without officially being put out to tender. One excited patron has suggested that we kidnap the public servant and force him to enjoy the fruits of the Medicine Cabinet for the next 4 years at which time both he and Cesc will be able to return home. (I expect there will be other suggestions that are not quite so painless.)
Anyway Professor, I hope that you got home safely, I was a bit concerned when, in your dehydrated state, you polished off all my “water” and left the room babbling about “the coatstand wanting to snog you…”
@Lester: We are indeed are the worst team in the league when it comes to set pieces but before you get yourself too worked up, did you know that Arsenal conceded fewer goals from open play than any other team in the 2010-11 Premier League (Opta)?
It’s a mixed bag of extremes but if anything can be improved in training it’s certainly how to deal with set pieces.
But Matt, Haven’t we been repeating that mantra for quite some time now about improving our defensive performance on set pieces?
Zico, Usmanov must feel this way on a daily basis but I’m going to buck up as it were … 🙂
On further thought, maybe the acquisition of Gervinho can reap some benefits in defending corners if he can apply that huge forehead of his with enough force at the appropriate moments …
Matt and 8 ball: I have to say I noted a difference to how we lined up for set pieces today. We had much more depth, we didn’t have five players doing zonal marking on the six-yard line and apart from the goal (which was much more of an individual mistake by Mannone – and let’s face it, he won’t be anywhere near our first team when the season starts unless we are massively unlucky – than a tactical mistake) we never looked under any sort of pressure on the set pieces that I can recall. It might be a coincidence, but maybe we have started to change our approach to how we defend those situations?
zico @ #238
Edwin has asked me to thank you for your brilliant minutes and says that he may join me for the Mugsmashers @ home to buy you a few refeshing pH0 waters 😉
TS, sounds good, the planets are slowly moving into alignment….