The combination of a long summer and no football meant the drinkers were looking for alternative forms of amusement during the close season. The inimitable takeabowson started something that grew legs. I hasten to add, whilst acknowledging his warped genius, that the views represented here in no way represent the views of the publisher, and he assures me that any similarities between these entirely fictional characters and any persons living are entirely unintentional. (Personally I think he is lying through his back teeth so if you want his details I’ll ask him for them and sing like a bleeding canary.)
46takeabowson on 15 Jun 2011 at 12:53 pm
Arsene : Could you give me the low-down on fans opinion , as expressed on the Internet , please Ivan ?
Ivan : Sure Arsene . Arseblog , A Cultured Left Foot and many others , whilst expressing disappointment at the shortcomings of the side remain supportive of you and are cognizant of the difficulties that you have been operating under these last 5 years . Le Grove remains a place for disaffected cunts and witters on endlessly to a set agenda which is negative in the extreme and wants you strung up by your bollocks .
Arsene : Hmmm , I see … and Goonerholic ?
Ivan : They’ve just bought a new Columbian Medicine Cabinet , are reconstructing an improved Happy Train , and have just taken delivery of a fresh consignment of Californian , which they plan on dishing out for free .
Arsene : I’ll get my pipe
143takeabowson on 20 Jun 2011 at 9:41 pm
Head of Marketing : You wanted to see me Ivan ?
Ivan : Yes indeed , the fans … … , how are they reacting to the latest developments . We must keep a handle on supporters opinions .
H of M : Understood Sir . Arseblog doesn’t want Barton or Defoe .
Ivan : But they’re being shown round London Colney as we speak …
H of M : He called Barton a sociopathic thug …
Ivan : Fuck , and Defoe …?
H of M : … a poxy-little midgety twat-faced thundercunted shithouse gimp-featured donkey-wanking puke-box of enema bits
Ivan : Oh Dear Lord … thats our incomings buggered … still on the bright side , we’ve managed to flog Clichy
H of M : Ah , Sir , I er meant to mention …. Yogi Warrior wants to keep him , says you’d be mad to sell him
Ivan : Jesus , my head hurts , I hate this job , dare i ask what those cunts at Le Grove are saying ?
H of M : Just being their normal twattish selves Sir
Ivan : *groans* Where’s Arsene ?
H of M : Out for the count Sir
Ivan : What do you mean , out for the count ? We’ve got a full blown crisis going on here
H of M : We can’t raise him Sir , since he had a bash at the Californian last week
Ivan : My God , where did he get it ?
H of M : Goonerholic , Sir .
Ivan : Ah Goonerholic , they’re normally pretty supportive , what are they saying ?
H of M : They’ve just developed a Peruvian Anti-Riot Suit Sir . Quite useful actually Sir , I’ve got one here
Ivan : Right , strap me in , its time to meet the fans . Oh and ….
H of M : Yes Sir ?
Ivan : Bring me my pipe
76takeabowson on 21 Jun 2011 at 8:53 pm
ARSENALNATION STREET Episode 3
Ivan is back in his office with his Head of Marketing ( IPA ) . He has met with the fans , and is still dressed in his Peruvian Anti-Riot Suit ;-
Ivan : Well that all went rather well don’t you think ?
IPA : Yes Sir , I thought you handled the matter of the 6% increase very skillfully Sir .
Ivan : Not that , you blithering idiot , the Suit , Man , the Suit . Stops all sorts , you know , eggs , Darts , knives …. Didn’t feel a thing … yes …. , today is going to be a good day . Now what’s on the Agenda ?
IPA : Ah , slight problem Sir , I’ve double-booked you . Cock –up I’m afraid . There’s a Spanish Delegation waiting to talk terms on Fabregas and some Italians are here for Clichy .
Ivan : Jesus wept , you incompetent Cunt , … …. , *ponders* Where’s Arsene ? He’ll have to deal with the Italians , I’ll deal with the Spanish .
IPA : Good news and Bad news Sir . Mr Wenger is up and about again , but … well ….
Ivan : Well what IPA ?, … spit it out Man …
IPA : He appears to be going through the final stages of withdrawal from the Californian , Sir , one minute he’s singing “ Je ne regrete rien “ , the next he’s hollering that he’s an alsatian and barking like a dog . He’s in no fit state for top- level negotiations , I left him trying on his Peruvian Anti-Riot Suit Sir.
Ivan : Bollocks
IPA : Quite , Sir .
Ivan : *head in hands* Well , there’s nothing else for it , get Peter Hill Wood on the phone , he’ll have to deal with the Italians .
IPA : Is that wise Sir ?
Ivan : No , IPA , it’s not wise , but we have no choice .
IPA : Very Good Sir .
IPA gets PHW on the phone , and hands the receiver to Ivan .
Ivan : Peter , Ivan here .
PHW : Ah Gazidis , the very man , have you cleaned my shoes yet ? Its just I’ve made a couple of extremely unhelpful comments to the Press and I consider my working day is done . I’m off to lunch , where Braised Hearts and a bottle of Mouton Cadet ’71 awaits .
Ivan : Your shoes have been cleaned , Peter , but I was wondering if you might handle the negotiations for Clichy .
PHW : Who ?
Ivan : French Defender , nothing to it , start at 10m , if they play hard-ball , you’ve got 5m leeway to negotiate on . I’d do it myself , but I’ll be tied up in the Fabregas negotiations .
PHW : Italians you say ? Hmm , no problemo , show them in .
Ivan : Thank you Peter , and Good Luck .
PHW : Goodbye , Gazidis .
IG puts down the phone .
IG : We might yet get out of this with our balls intact , IPA , now help me out of this Peruvian Suit .
IPA : Yes Sir . It err …. Doesn’t appear to be loosening Sir … zip appears to be jammed … its no good Sir , you appear to be wedged in Sir .
IG *squirming* Fuckingbollockscuntingshitfuck ! Oh Bollocks , just show them in .
Some time later , …. Negotiations for Fabregas and Clichy have taken place , and PHW enters Ivan’s office .
IG : Peeterr , How did it go ?
PHW : Gazidis , Extremely well . I didn’t fuck around with negotiations . I said to those wretched Eyeties , I’m late for lunch , 15m , take it or leave it . *touches his nose* I thought to myself , he’s French , he’s a defender , he’s unknown and Arsene likes him , worst comes to the worst we can send him out on loan to Bolton . After a bit of arm flapping they went for it , 15m big ones .
IG : Peter , We were selling !!!! Did you actually get 15m for Clichy ?
PHW : Oh … well , yes of course , the price is the price , 15m in our bin .
IG : Today just keeps getting better and better , first we see off the Spaniards and now we get 15m for Clichy . World Domination here we come !!!!
PHW : What happened with the Barcelona mob ?
IG : Well , they showed up with all kinds of tempters , Olives , Sardines , Oranges , said that for a player with Barcelona DNA , they would even stretch to throwing in three pounds of Chorizo , but I stayed firm , sent them away with a flea in their ear , didn’t I , IPA ?
IPA : You did indeed Sir .
IG : It was the suit , IPA , I think they were intimidated .
IPA : A masterstroke , Sir .
PHW : Right , I suggest , we adjourn to my club and crack on til Dawn , what do you say ?
IG : What a terrific idea .
IPA : Ah … one final thing before you go , Sir , Gareth from Le Grove is here to see you . He’s in reception .
IG : That cunt , what does he want ?
IPA : Says he’s the voice of the fans , Sir .
IG : *groans*
PHW : Don’t worry Gazidis , no-one’s keeping me from the club . I’ll deal with this , send him in . I know how to handle his sort .
Gareth the C*nt is shown in –
G the C : Err hello Everybody , my name is G-G-Gareth , But you may know me better as P-P-Pedro , fearless Keyboard warrior , and the one err true voice of Arsenal fans worldwide .
PHW : Stand up straight you piece of filth , you rat-faced lump of excrement , you sniveling , repulsive combination of horse-shite and Kangeroo mucus , you are a worthless parvenu , a bullshitter , a phlegm dribbler , and a …. …
Enter stage left , Arsene Wenger , wearing his Peruvian Anti-Riot Suit .
AW : C’est magnifique . What does zis button do , I zink it iz for ze attack , non ?
IPA : Don’t touch that button , Mr Weng-
Arsene touches the button , and Gareth the C*nt is engulfed in a fireball , and runs screaming from the Office .
AW : Ah , trop tarde , IPA , trop tarde .
PHW : Excellent work , Arsene , have a new six year contract .
IG : *head in hands* What the fuck am I going to say to the fucking Press ?
PHW : Dear Boy , easy , merely state with authority that there is a wrong way of doing things , and that there is a right way , the Arsenal way .
IPA : Shall I get your pipe Sir ?
IG : I think that would be wise .
CUE MUSIC AND END CREDITS .
61takeabowson on 29 Jun 2011 at 10:52 am
BEHIND THE ARSE EPISODE 4
IG and his Head of Marketing ( IPA ) , are on their way to a Board Meeting following the events of last week .
IG : Fuck , I hate Board Meetings IPA , worse than bloody fans’ forums .
IPA : Yes Sir .
IG : Who’s coming today ?
IPA : Everyone important Sir , Peter Hill-Wood , Mr Kronke , and Mr Wenger Sir .
IG : Arsene’s back ? Well that’s good news , takes the pressure off a bit .
IPA : Yes Sir , flew in from his scouting mission this morning .
IG : Excellent , excellent … perhaps he’ll have a signing or two to report … Where was his scouting mission IPA ?
IPA : California Sir .
IG : California ! Fucking California ! Whose fucking idea was that ?
IPA : Mr Hill Wood’s Sir , he felt Mr Wenger deserved a break after the unfortunate fireball incident Sir .
IG : This is a fucking disaster IPA , do you know where he stayed and whether he’s … alright ?
IPA : I haven’t seen him Sir , but I believe he stayed with a contact he made as a result of his long standing friendship with the forward- thinking Fans Site , Goonerholic , a chap by the name of PIK .
IG : Oh for fuck’s sake IPA , that’s who they use to source their produce for their fucking CMC . My God could things get any worse ?
IPA : Yes Sir .
IG : Yes Sir ? What do you mean , yes Sir ?
IPA : Lady Nina is coming in to finalise the Transfer of her shares Sir .
IG : IPA , you utter cunt , why didn’t you warn me , you know that woman gives me migraines . Why the fuck didn’t you warn me ?
IPA : The migraines Sir . You told me never to mention her name in your presence again , unless absolutely necessary Sir .
IG and IPA have now reached the Boardroom door . IG pauses ;-
IG : *whimpers* I’m scared IPA . I want my Peruvian Anti-Riot Suit . *starts blubbing*
IPA : You must be strong Sir . Remember who you are , what you are and who you represent .
IG : Quite right , IPA , I’ve faced worse than this . Thank you , IPA . *IG dabs his eyes , pulls his shoulders back and pushes open the Door*
IG and IPA enter the Boardroom , only PHW is thus far in attendance .
PHW : Ah Gazidis the very man , make it quick today ok , I’ve got a very important lunch date , Welsh Rarebit , Steak and Kidney Pie and Jelly and Ice Cream , all washed down with a couple of Bottles of Fonseca Vintage Port , none of that Rob the Chef’s shit .
IG : *mumbles* Yes Peter , understood .
PHW : What , speak up man , why are you sniveling like a pussy ?
IPA : I mentioned Lady Nina would be in attendance , Sir .
PHW : Lady Nina ? *muses* is she a woman ?
IPA : Sir ?
PHW : Is she a woman ?
IPA : Yes Sir .
PHW : Ah , haven’t had anything to do with a woman for over 15 years . Don’t trust the fuckers . Too much to say for themselves . Lived with a Llama for the last 9 years , much more accommodating – servile , silent and cooks a mean Chicken Biriyani . No point getting upset over a woman Gazidis . Llamas , they’re the way forward . Now pull yourself together man , we’ve got to present a united front to this fucking Yank .
IG : Yes , Peter , of course .
Stan Kronke enters the room , followed by AW , who comes skipping into the room singing Frere Jacques
IG : *standing* Good Morning my Lord Stanley .
PHW : *slouched* Colonial fucker .
IG : *aside to IPA* Arsene’s high as a kite , I’m fucked .
IPA : It would appear so , Sir .
AW : Bonjour , Bonjour .
PHW : Right , an Englishman’s stomach waits for no-one . Gazidis , let’s hear about fans opinions .
IG’s REPORT ON SUPPORTERS’ OPINIONS .
IG : Thank you Peter . Arseblog advocates selling Clichy , seems to have lost faith in him .
PHW : Excellent news , just as well I pulled off that Coup last week , and flogged him to the Eyeties for £ 15 million eh
IG : Yes , Peter .
IPA : Err … no Sir … we’ve just received their written offer following the face-to-face talks , and there appear to be some discrepancies . We thought they were offering £15 million Sir , when in actual fact it appears they are offering a case of Frascati , a kilo of Parma Ham , and a weekend away for Mr Hill Wood at somewhere called Llamas Retreat . Clichy is still our player Sir .
IG : *head in hands* Is this true , Peter ?
PHW : Err… well … there may have been some language difficulties , fuckers wouldn’t speak English . Anyway , Gazidis , … next .
IG : *flustered* Hmm .. yes .. Yogi Warrior over at A Cultured Left Foot remains a huge source of support .
IPA : Err … No Sir .
IG : *reddening* No IPA ?
IPA : Been away , Sir , gave up his blog to guest posts Sir . Miami Gooner wrote that He hopes the Russian wins the Arsenal Cold War .
IG : Sweet Jesus . Well … Umm … Goonerholic is very influential . He’s always on our side .
IPA : Err … No Sir .
IG : Oh for fucks sake . *sweating profusely* Et tu ‘Holic ?
IPA : Yes Sir , slagged the Catering Department Sir .
IG : Well be that as it may , his travellers on the Happy Train remain supportive .
IPA : No Sir .
IG : No ?
IPA : Away on holiday , Sir . Camping in Canada , I believe Sir .
IG : *rubbing temples furiously* Well , let’s not worry too much , We are engaging with all true fans in the Fans Forum on Arsenal.Com .
IPA : Err … No Sir , closed Sir , too abusive Sir .
PHW : Good , about time we started giving abuse back to the ungrateful fuckers .Fucking unhelpful Report Gazidis , lucky its nearly lunchtime eh . We need to move on . Right, next on the Agenda , transfer of Lady Nina Bracewell-Smith’s shares to um .. you know .. this chap to my left … Mr fucking Mystery . Call in the witch .
Lady Nina enters in a leather catsuit . IG begins to hyperventilate .
L.Nina : Dahlings , dahlings , how I have missed you all . Ivan , Mr Icepenis , how is my favourite little Arse ?
IPA : *sniggers *
IG : *panting* Very ..well .. thank .. you .
L.Nina : Ah , I see I still have zhe effect on you , Jah . Me too , Ivan , me too , I still often vatch zhe video of zhe two of us together , vhen ve vould take on zhe vorld .
PHW : *to himself* Ivan Icepenis ? Ivan Icepenis ! *to all* Oh I say , ha ha ha , very good .
L.Nina : Jah , but I zhink I am not here for jokes , I am here so you can make me a very vealthy voman , Jah .
PHW : Quite , it’s nearly time for lunch so here’s a pen .
Lady Nina and Silent Stan sign the contract , and Lady Nina is handed a cheque for £120 mill .
L.Nina : Vhat a sum , ha ha , I zhink you should have stuck vith me , Ivan . Maybe I can stay for zhe end of zhe meeting jah , for old times sake ?
IG : Absolutely out of the question .
L.Nina : Zhe video , Ivan Dahling , zhe video .
IG : Of course you must stay .
PHW : Right ,let’s crack on , I’m fucking hungry . Next on the Agenda , that Cunt from Le Grove , Gareth or Pedro or whatever the fucker calls himself .
IG : He remains in Hospital , his condition is not life-threatening .
AW : A good shot , non ? Hee hee , back of ze net .
IG : He wants £7 million in compensation and his own page in the programme .
PHW : Impertinent Fucker . What are we offering ?
IG : Flowers .
L.Nina : This Gareth , I zhink he has never known a woman , no ?
IG : No , no , no , whatever you’re thinking the answer is no .
L.Nina : Ivan , zhis is a job for a voman . No man can resist me , you know zhis .
PHW : Excellent , I like it , Bracewell-Smith . We’ll go together to thrash out a deal with the rat-like scumbag . Good Cop , Bad Cop , Carrot and Stick . Should be fun .
IG : Sweet Jesus , Mary and Joseph , please save me *rocking in his chair*
PHW : Right , that’s decided , next item , Arsene’s plans for the team . Arsene .
ARSENE’S SCOUTING REPORT .
AW : Merci , Pierre , Merci . I ave been away and identified and purchased several new players.
IG : Thank God , good news at last . Who have you bought Arsene ?
AW : Ants .
IG : Ha ha Arsene means Ricardo Alverantz , tricky Argentinian left winger .
AW : Non ,Ivan , Non . I mean Californian Red Ants . Zey are small , young , cheap , ave a good work ethic , collective energy extraordinaire . Zey ave to be seen to be believed . Very good at making ze late run into the Box unseen , I ave bought 3 for our forward line .
IG : Dear God no .
AW : I am a revolutionary coach ,it iz my dream .
IG : But what about having Arsenal DNA ?
AW : Zey are Red Ants , zey love this club .
IG : But the fans won’t be able to see them .
AW : Zey are Red Ants .
IG : But they won’t fit into our Total Football system .
AW : Zey ave six feet , zey ave ze potential for fantastique ball-juggling skills .
IG : *banging his head on the table* But where’s our aggression , where’s our bite ?
AW : Zey are Red Ants , zey ave quite a nip .
IG : But our number one priority was the Defence ,our lack of height …
AW : I ave addressed zis problem .
IG : *looking up* You have ? Thank God in Heaven . Subotic ? Cahill ?
AW : Californian Hornets . I ave bought 2 . Zey ave good communication skills , zey are very noisy . Zey are nasty and Zey can reach heights of 60 metres . Our problems at ze set-pieces are over .
PHW : Good Work Arsene . How much ?
AW : Ants £5 million each and Hornets £3 million each . 5 new players for a total of £21 million .
PHW : Brilliant , Arsene .
IG begins to suffer from violent and involuntary muscular spasms .
PHW : Right to sum up , the fans are getting restless , but we are adopting a pro-active policy and abusing them back , whatsisname has bought more shares , Bracewell-Smith and I will sort out Gareth the Cunt , and we’ve spent £21 million on three ants and two hornets . Enter it into the minutes IPA , and Gazidis , call a Press Conference and get the word out , Arsenal are back .
IG passes out .
Some hours later , IG is in a hospital bed . IPA has come to visit .
IPA : How are you Sir ?
IG : Much better thanks IPA . Doctor says my anxiety levels are the highest he’s ever seen and I need complete rest and relaxation . Shame the budget wouldn’t stretch to a private room , but mustn’t complain , the chap next door is very quiet .
Chap next Door : Err h-h-hello my name is G-Gareth , but you may know me better as P-P-Pedro , fearless keyboard warrior …
IPA : Your pipe Sir ?
IG : My pipe IPA .
CUE MUSIC AND END CREDITS .
72takeabowson on 12 Jul 2011 at 2:20 pm
BEHIND THE ARSE EPISODE 5
IG has been in his Hospital Bed for 5 days , recovering from hyper-tension . Gareth the C is in the next door bed and has not let up on his harangues . The ever faithful IPA is by IG’s bedside to fill him in on developments . Meanwhile , 3 hours before the flight to China , PHW , Lady Nina and AW are in the Waiting Room prior to attempting to make a deal with Gareth the C , and to pick up IG en route to the Airport .
Gareth the C : So do you get my point yeh , it’s really easy to run Arsenal yeh I can make us successful yeh , give me the job , sack Wenger yeh what has he ever done for me right yeh , nothing cept give me third degree burns yeh , get rid of all the rubbish players yeh but here’s the thing yeh , negotiate high transfer fees for them yeh and then spend all the money on good players yeh , know what I mean yeh , anyway yeh right my mate’s in right so I’ll speak to you later , yeh … Geoff m8 r u gud ….. …
IPA : My God Sir , how do you stand it … how are you ?
IG : Quite easily IPA , as a matter of fact . He hasn’t noticed I am wearing ear phones , haven’t heard a thing he says .
IPA : Very good plan Sir .
IG : Yes , and I must say that Dolphin music you left with me on your last visit was extremely relaxing .
IPA : That was our new signing Gervinho’s first interview Sir .
IG : Oh … well … very relaxing all the same . So we’ve made our first signing eh ? Great news … the fans must be pleased IPA ?
IPA : Err … no Sir .
IG : What do you mean , No Sir ? No , we haven’t made a new signing , or No the fans aren’t pleased ?
IPA : Both Sir . Slight hold up on the transfer Sir . The fans think we’re doing nothing Sir .
IG : For fucks sake , IPA , what’s the hold up ?
IPA : Fish , Sir .
IG : Fish ? IPA : We’re offering him Cod Sir , but he’s insisting on Dover Soul 3 times a week .
IG : Hmm … Dover Soul is fucking expensive IPA … we might have to rethink this one .
IPA : Yes Sir . IG : What other news IPA ? IPA : PR Department is taking a bit of a hammering Sir .
IG : But that’s your area IPA , You incompetent cunt , what’s gone wrong ?
IPA : I didn’t put Fabregas in the advert for the new kit Sir . Fans think it makes it clear he wants away and makes us look stupid Sir .
IG : Well they might have a point . Still , they must be pleased we put Nasri in the advert .
IPA : No Sir , the fans think because he makes it clear he wants away it makes us look stupid Sir .
IG : There’s no pleasing these fucking people IPA .
IPA : No Sir .
IG : By the way , I’ve been reading my Arsenal Magazine , whose idea was it to make fucking Nasri the lead article ?
IPA : Mr Hill Wood Sir .
IG : Well that figures . Doesn’t he remember what happened with Adebayor ? He left as soon as we put him in the magazine .
IPA : Yes Sir .
IG : For fucks sake , Doesn’t he learn from his mistakes ?
IPA : Yes Sir , I’m sure he’s learned from his mistakes Sir , and is able to repeat them exactly .*sniggers*
IG : Don’t get smart with me IPA , I might be wearing my flowery jim-jams but I’m still your boss , you fucking two-bob Granada driving Cunt .
IPA : Yes Sir . Shall I bring the others in , they’re in the waiting room Sir .
IG : If you must IPA , just make sure my Pipe is close at hand .
IPA : Yes Sir . IPA goes to the waiting Room . Lady Nina is wearing a Policewoman’s hat , a red Basque with a small white cannon on the left breast , and thigh-length leather boots . PHW is dressed as a Sumo wrestler , and AW is nowhere to be seen . Lady Nina is talking to PHW .
Lady N : Peeter , vhat are you vearing ? I thought Ve vere coming as The Police you know , Good Cop Bad Cop , you said .
PHW : Change of plan Bracewell-Smith , Flight’s in 3 hours , got to blend in with the natives what . Don’t want to be mobbed when we get there .
Lady N : But Peeter , sumo wrestlers are from Japan yah ? Ve are going to China .
PHW : All the fucking same to me , Bracewell Smith , all fucking rice-gobblers . Anyway I’m not talking to you , you fucking bitch . We give you £120 million because poor old Carr fell under your fucking spell and then you tell the public we’re all useless . I’m not having it , you hear me , your charms don’t work on me . I’m happy with my Llama , so you can cross your legs , stop fucking winking at me , and fuck off .
Lady N : But Peeter , calm yourself , you know vhat the media is like . I vas misquoted . And you joke I do nussing for my money . Shame on you Peeter . I zhink you know all zhe zhings I do for zhis club . Look at all zhe men I have seduced for you , my arse for zhe Arse , yah ? Terry Neill , Charlie Nicholas ( he vas good! ) , Zhe schoolboy Cesc , Denis , I even go vith David Platt for you .
PHW : Alright , alright , woman , just stop fucking going on , and make sure we get what we need from that Gareth Cunt Pedro tosser .
Lady N : I don’t zhink he vill be a problem Peeter *laughing* he vill be like putty in my hands .
IPA appears .
IPA : Good Afternoon Mr Hill Wood Sir , Good Afternoon Lady Nina , how are you ?
PHW : Whatever the opposite of tickety fucking boo is , IPA , I’m it . I’ve had to listen to this fucking witch warble on about her insatiable sex drive , I’m dressed like a fucking baby , and I’m looking at a week where I’ve got to swap my Llama for a Geisha girl , Vintage Port for fucking Sake and Roast Beef for a bit of crispy fucking Duck . Not fucking happy is what I am .
IPA : Very Good Sir . Mr Gazidis will see you now .
PHW : Gazidis , that fucking shirker , I ‘m not here to see him . We’re here to sort out that rat faced cunt Pedro . Just thinking about him makes my fucking head explode .
IPA : Indeed , Sir . Slight complication Sir . Geoff Gervais , his partner in crime is here .
PHW : No complication IPA . Bracewell smith here will use her witchly charms on the rat faced Bellend , I’ll take care of this Gervais scumbag . Tell me about him .
IPA : He’s the thicker one of the two Sir , even more ill-informed Sir .
PHW : Sounds like my day just got better . I’m going to enjoy giving him a fucking good kicking .
IPA : Yes Sir , but remember diplomacy is the order of the day . Where’s Mr Wenger Sir ?
PHW : Don’t know . He wandered off about half an hour ago .
Arsene appears from a side room . He is wearing a white Baseball Cap , white tracksuit and his hair is dyed a virulent orange and is singing “ I’m turning Japanese , I’m turning Japanese , I really think so “ . He is drinking copious amounts of water , his eyes are bulging , and he has a referee’s whistle . *a patient wanders past and AW blows hard on his whistle*
AW : Monsieur , Monsieur , I am a revolutionary football coach , and I must tell you to stop ze training immediately . I can tell wiv my trained eye that if you carry on , you run ze risk of serious injury .
IPA : He has just had his leg amputated Sir . How are you sir ?
AW : Tres content , IPA , Tres content . I found some Happy pills . I take three .
IPA : Good Lord Sir . Keep drinking the water Sir .
AW : I will IPA , it is very good water from Goonerholic Bar .
IPA : Shall we go through to the ward now Sir ?
IPA leads PHW and Lady Nina through to IG’s bed . AW follows on , break-dancing .
IG : Hello Everyone . I’ve missed you .
AW : Bonjour , bonjour …
Lady N : Ivan , Daaarling , how sexy you look in your pyjamas , just how I remember …
PHW : You fucking pussy Gazidis , staying in bed , whilst the rest of us work our fucking arses off .
IG : Err … yes Peter . Arsene , how is the pre-season training going ?
AW : Tres mal , Ivan , Tres mal , I ave already lost one of ze ants , and one of ze hornets as lost its bite .
IG : Oh , is it difficult to get insects to play football ?
AW : Well , I think ze word difficult is a terribly good one here , but we will be successful , I am convinced of this .
IG : Right , what gives you hope ?
AW : They breed , Ivan . I start wiv 3 ants and 2 Hornets , I now have 16 million ants and 58 thousand Hornets to choose from .
PHW : The perfect self-sustaining model , Arsene , Brilliant . Right , onto the business in hand , where are these pair of scrotum scratching delinquents ? Lady N : Yees , it iz time for me to play I zhink .
PHW and Lady N are directed towards Gareth the C and Geoff Gervais , who are engaged in whispered talks .
Gareth the C : Pam said that ? M8 , that’s gr8 …
G.Gervais : Yeh and I’ve got direct evidence linking our manager direct to Gaddafi …
Gareth the C : Gr8 , m8 , gr8
PHW : Gentlemen , Gentlemen , or should I say you pair of total fucking parasitic knobend , dickbrained , no-balled monkey-gibbering cunts , we’re here to make you an offer …
PHW puts Geoff Gervais in a headlock , and walks him down the Ward . Lady N bends down and kisses Gareth the C and draws the curtain around his bed . Thirty seconds later , Lady Nina emerges from behind the Curtain . Gareth the C is wearing a beatific smile . IG looks up expectantly …
IG : All Good ?
Lady N : Nicht , it took the vanker 25 seconds to get his nappy off . I am not satisfied but zhe job iz done . Ve vont be hearing from him again .
IG : How can you be sure ?
Lady N : Concealed beneath zhe cannon on zhe left breast iz a camera . I ave zhe whole zhing on tape . Hiz villie iz zo zmall , I can make him a laughing stock . No vorries .
IG : Well done Lady Nina .
Lady N : Ah , how I have vaited for a kind vord from you Ivan Daaarling . Ve do it on the plane yah ?
IG : *gulps* hmmm , we’ll see .
AW : I sink these pills are making me feel a little bit naughty too … Je t’aime , Je t’aime .
Lady N : vunderbar , vunderbar , ve vill all get vhat ve vant on zhe plane . Vhere’s Peeter ?
PHW is walking back from the other end of the Ward , rubbing his hands together and whistling Incey Wincey Spider .
IG : Peter , where is Geoff Gervais ?
PHW : *smiling* Chucked the cunt straight out the fucking window .
IG : But , Peter we’re on the sixth floor .
PHW : That’s his problem , not mine .
IG : But the Police will be here any minute , Oh my God , this is the end , I can’t carry on …
PHW : Gazidis , man up , you fucking girl’s blouse .
IPA : May I respectfully suggest we leave the Country .
PHW : Good idea , IPA . China , here we fucking come .
PHW , Lady Nina and AW lift IG out of bed , hoist him up and start running for the exits .
IG : Oh sweet Lord , good god … … *looking back* IPA , don’t forget my fucking pipe .
IPA : Very Good Sir .
CUE MUSIC AND END CREDITS .
164takeabowson on 20 Jul 2011 at 11:28 pm
BEHIND THE ARSE EPISODE 6
The Arsenal squad are back from the Far East . IG and IPA are discussing all matters arising .
IG : So IPA , a good week eh , fans were magnificent weren’t they .
IPA : Indeed Sir , very good Sir .
IG : I think we need to look into the logistics of flying 60,000 asians in for every home game . I think we have to think out of the Box , you know , clear blue sky thinking , about what we do about this fan unrest , it’s not helping the club you know .
IPA : You want to replace the whole fan-base for home games Sir ?
IG : Think about it , IPA . Enthusiastic , noisy , great banners , it might work . These boys love Arsene . Would only cost £60m per home game to fly them in and fly them home again .
IPA : £60m per home game Sir – I think that would impact on our transfer budget Sir .
IG : Maybe so IPA , but it wouldn’t matter , these new fans would be so happy to be here , that they won’t worry if we don’t sign anyone . That’s the beauty of the plan .
IPA : But we’d go bust in a fortnight Sir .
IG : Exactly IPA , and that’s precisely what Gareth the Cunt has been advocating for years . He couldn’t moan anymore , could he ? And imagine the look on his face when I tell him his ticket has been allocated to Mr Do One Ho .
IPA : But we’d lose our jobs Sir , I mean , if we go bust .
IG : Alright , alright IPA , I didn’t say it’s perfect did I , needs a fair bit of tweeking , but its an example of thinking outside of the box . I don’t mind telling you it’s something you should do a little more often .
IPA : Yes Sir .
IG : Right , how are we getting on with shifting some of our unwanted deadwood IPA ?
IPA : Denilson out on loan Sir , Bentner and Almunia in talks with other clubs Sir .
IG : Excellent IPA , Excellent . And Eboue ?
IPA : We still need him Sir .
IG : Really IPA ?
IPA : Yes Sir , change of heart Sir , he’s the only one who speaks fluent Dolphin Sir . We need him to make Gervinho feel at home .
IG : Well , I suppose that’s sensible IPA . *grins* I guess our new signing is feeling a bit like a fish out of water eh ? *laughs*
IPA : A Dolphin is a mammal , Sir .
IG : Don’t get fucking smart with me IPA .
IPA : No Sir . Of course not Sir .
IG : What about Fabregas and Nasri IPA – I rather confess to having lost the thread . What’s going on ?
IPA : Err , it’s a bit tricky Sir .
IG : What’s going on IPA ?
IPA : Well err we obviously want to keep them both but we might lose Fabregas…
IG : But he’s on a 4 year contract IPA
IPA Yes Sir .
IG : Well what about Nasri ?
IPA : We’re definitely keeping him , Sir .
IG : But he’s only on a one year contract .
IPA : Yes Sir , we’re definitely keeping him Sir because he’s under contract , unless we keep Fabregas Sir or unless the money’s too good to turn down for both of them Sir .
IG : So to sum up , we might keep both of them , or we might keep Fabregas and sell Nasri , or we might keep Nasri and sell Fabregas , or we might lose them both .
IPA : Yes Sir
IG : IPA , you haven’t got a fucking clue, have you ?
IPA : No Sir .
AW and PHW walk in . AW is in a pin-stripe suit , shirt and tie and bowler hat . PHW is still in his Sumo wrestler outfit . AW chucks his Bowler without looking , into the corner of the room , where it nestles beautifully on the Hat-Stand .
AW : Ah , a good shot non ? Can’t wait for ze new season . I ‘ave ze mojo back .
IPA : Good Morning Sir , you’re looking well Sir , very British Sir .
AW : If you can’t beat zem IPA , zen join zem .
IPA : Very good Sir .
AW : Oui , no more drugs for me , after Asia , I am high on ze love of ze fans .
IG : Great news Arsene , does this mean no more Insect experiments ?
AW : On ze back-burner , Ivan . In ze meantime I ave sold my collection of 9 billion ants and 36 million hornets to fast food outlets in Asia . I ave made 35 million pounds for the transfer kitty Ivan .
PHW : Brilliant Arsene .
IG : This is fantastic news Arsene . How did you get on in your public dialogues with Mancini and Xavi ?
AW : I smiled , I shrugged … Xavi admitted to spouting ze bollocks , and Mancini confessed that he is a Teletubbie .
PHW : Brilliant , Arsene .
IG : This is fantastic . Arsene’s back on form , we’ll be unstoppable . Peter , how come you’re still dressed as a Sumo wrestler ?
PHW : Llama likes it , says it makes me all musky . No reason to change if she likes it , more tiffin and extra Biriyani .
IPA : I don’t want to spoil the good mood , but were you aware Mr Hill Wood Sir that you are being impersonated on GoonerHolic ?
PHW : Fucking outrageous !
IPA : Quite Sir . A chap called Trev apparently Sir .
PHW : Fucking outrageous . How did you know it wasn’t me ?
IPA : Not sweary enough Sir .
PHW : Fucking right !
IPA : Also said you were shagging Lady Nina Sir .
PHW : What ?! How many fucking times do I have to tell people I love my Llama , end of . If I catch up with him , he’ll know all about it I can tell you . I’m willing to go to court on this – important fucking legal principle – us Hill-Wood’s only stick it in Llamas , and the whole fucking world should know it .
IPA ; Yes Sir .
PHW : Where is the fucking witch anyway ?
IPA : Sent to seduce Usmanov Sir , reporting back next week .
PHW : Well I suppose the Witch has her uses .
IG : What’s happening with Geoff Gervais and Gareth the Cunt ?
IPA : Gareth the Cunt is in love with Lady Nina Sir , and these adolescent stirrings are making him a little less cuntish Sir . It appears there is no lasting damage to Geoff Gervais Sir .
PHW : Course there’s no lasting damage , I dropped him on his fucking head .
IPA : Just loss of short-term memory Sir . He of course had already forgotten that he is an Arsenal fan many years ago . Mr Hill Wood is in the clear .
IG : Well this is fantastic I must say , Peter in the clear , the Asian fans love us , and Arsene back on form . What a great week .
PHW : Yes indeed Gazidis , and things are about to get even better .
IG : What ?
PHW : Start of the new season Gazidis , time for my annual Chairman’s address . Time someone stood up for this great club . I’m doing it next door in The Diamond Suite , all the press and Radio , live on Sky , the BBC , ITV , Channel 4 , blanket fucking coverage .
IG : OH my God , when ?
PHW : Thirty fucking seconds time . You boys can watch it here on the Box .
IG : No , no , no , please Peter don’t .
PHW : Too late Gazidis , I’m off , see you later .
PHW strolls to the Diamond Suite in his Sumo gear . The others remain behind to watch it on Television THE DIAMOND SUITE PHW goes to the Microphone in front of a packed press gathering .
PHW : Gentlemen and single woman at the back , I am here to make a statement . I will not be taking questions . In my capacity as Chairman , I have but one message . The ginger twat from Peterborough , Adrian Durham , who wouldn’t know a decent football manager if the manager was banging away at his ginger arse , his sidekick Darren Gough who doesn’t know if he wants to be a cricketer or a ballet dancer cos he sure as fuck aint a broadcaster , Alan Hansen you boring fuck , Mark Lawrenson you miserable git get your haircut , Phil Thompson and fat boy Mickey Quinn and any other scousers who can’t put more than three words together , whiney Stewart Robson with your fucking high defensive line , Robbie Savage with your Lady Di haircut and your painfully inept attempts to be funny , Joey Barton , Kevin Nolan , Sir Red nose Ferguson with your gamesmanship and your bullying and your non-broadcasting , Diving Nani , big-mouth Evra , Dan Smith , Barry Ferguson with your hair -tousling wankerosity , Ben , Gary Neville with your face from a fucking cartoon , that Birmingham cunt who snapped Eduardo in two , any Birmingham or Stoke fans who revel in the agony of others , Alan Brazil the ugliest man in Britain , Tony Penis and your Dark age football , Ryan Shawcross with your crass assaults and your baby boy tears , Mick McCarthy and your fucking Yorkshire wit , Gareth the Cunt with your self-serving divisive rants , Geoff Gervais with your no-brained bollocks , fucking anyone who posts on the crass haven of cuntheadery that is Le Grove , Jamie Rednapp with your toddler name , your toddler analysis and your stupid wife , Alan Pardew and your classless antics , Chris Waddle you pelanty moron , Fat boy walrus Alladyce not so near the England job now eh , monkey boy Bale , Twitchy media-whore ‘Arry with your face in the trough , all tabloid journalists , Martin Jol you look like a troll , all LWC’s , Kenny Dalglish out by Christmas , Rafa Benitez fucking seriously what’s the point ? , Jose Mourinho poster fucking boy for everything that’s wrong with football , John Terry you ladyboy chav , all the ex-manc managers who can’t stop sucking a benighted cock yes Bruce and, Hughes I’m talking to you , Roman Abramovich and your ill-gotten billions , Usmanov you slimey fucking rapist , Roberto Mancini with your carefully knotted scarf and your silly windswept hair learn the fucking lingo , the oily cheating freakshow Xavi , that catalan Mayor you’re the biggest fucking cunt of them all , Ashley Cole and your smelly mobile phone , Capello and your dyed hair , Stuart Pearce , Blatter and your miserably corrupt tinpot empire , Puyol with your rearranged face and your cunting photos , Wayne Rooney and your ten-a-penny granny shags , Phil Neville , Alex Mcleish and your kick anything that moves tactics , short-arsed fucker Daniel Levy and your get big quick schemes , the Scottish bloke on Sky Sports news with the girlie voice who is such a nomark I can’t even remember his fucking name , the West Ham porn Barons , Rio Ferdinand and your utterly uninteresting tweets , Arabs with oil money , Noel Gallagher and your head that’s too big for your body , you can all just fucking fuck off . And anyone else I’ve forgotten you can fuck off as well .
*St Pauls boys choir appears behind PHW singing Good Old Arsenal *
We’re The Arsenal and we’re not taking it anymore . We might frustrate , we might not spend enough , we might not have as much money as some , but we’ve won league titles in seven of the last eight decades , our name is known around the world , our name is synonomous with doing things the right way , we lay out flowers in the opposition’s colours , we lay on floral tributes to our supporters that have passed away , We’ve got a great team who play in the right way and we’ve got a manager who’s got more class , dignity , intelligence and know-how than the rest of these bellends put together . Now report THAT , you fucking cunts . .
*journalists break into spontaneous applause*
Back in the TV room …
IG : MY god IPA , they actually like it . Pipe … … now .
IPA : Yes Sir .
CUE THE MUSIC AND END CREDITS .
236takeabowson on 08 Aug 2011 at 12:03 pm
BEHIND THE ARSE EPISODE 8 THE FINALE
IG and IPA are in the Boardroom discussing recent events .
IG : Why the long-face IPA ? Season starts in just over a week , this is the time for positivity , a fresh start , the smell of freshly cut grass and a chance to wear your Wycombe shirt with pride . What’s bugging you ?
IPA : Its all this paperwork Sir , it’s getting me down . I just think I would be better employed being told , excuse my French Sir , to fuck off by some Costa Rican starlet over in Central America than to be drowning underneath all this paper .
IG : But that’s your job IPA , you bloody ingrate .
IPA : Yes Sir .
IG : What paperwork , anyway ? We haven’t signed anyone apart from Flipper , and the Charlton kid we got from Junior Gunners . That hardly constitutes a mountain of paperwork .
IPA : No Sir , it’s not the signings , it’s matters arising from Mr Hill Wood’s press conference last week Sir . We’ve received 60 individual writs for Slander as well as 4 group actions .
IG : Nothing we can’t sort out together IPA . Relax . Now let’s start with the individuals . How many individuals did PHW mention ?
IPA : 58 Sir .
IG : 58 ? But I thought you said we’d received 60 writs .
IPA : Yes Sir , Massimo Busacca , the ref at Barcelona last year and Chris Morgan , the former Sheffield United player are suing for not being mentioned Sir . They believe their cuntishness is as plain as day , and they are suing for malicious misrepresentation because they were omitted from the list Sir .
IG :Well that’s easily rectified IPA . Busacca is a cheating cunt who clearly took a pay off to advance his own career rather than observe fair play , a strutting , posturing cuntstick who gives the finger to fans and takes a piss on the pitch . Morgan is a brain-dead life-form one down from bacteria who revels in broken limbs and ruined careers and routinely shows all the self-awareness of a grapefruit . That should keep’em happy , don’t you think IPA ?
IPA : Err … yes Sir . What about the other 58 Sir ?
IG : Truth is always a Defence to Slander IPA . At the very least it’s Fair Comment . No problem at all .
IPA : Yes Sir , very good Sir , what about the Group Actions Sir , the Birmingham fans , the Stoke fans , the tabloid journalists and the posters on Le Grove ?
IG : No LWC’s IPA ?
IPA : No Sir , they are unable to read , Sir , blissfully unaware Sir .
IG : Well it doesn’t matter anyway IPA , you can’t libel a vague and unquantifiable Group . Chuck the group actions in the bin .
IPA :Yes Sir .
IG : Good . That’s sorted then IPA , don’t make problems where none exist . Let’s move on . What other news ?
IPA : Well , Sir , Lady Nina’s work on Gareth the Cunt a couple of weeks ago does seem to have worked a little Sir . He issued a warning to his readers a week ago that they can’t call Mr Wenger the same word that the Spuds and the Mancs use when they tell him to sit down Sir .
IG : People on Le Grove don’t use that word surely IPA ?
IPA : They do Sir .
IG : But they’re Arsenal Supporters IPA .
IPA : Fans rather than Supporters Sir , and barely fans at that Sir . They’re still allowed to call him a Liar and a Cunt , and they can infer a completely false and abhorrent sexual predilection as long as they don’t mention the word .
IG : It’s not really progress is it IPA .
IPA : No Sir . Apparently Sir , Gareth the Cunt says it’s all the work of people who like having Mr Wenger as manager Sir , in order to strip the site of credibility .
IG : Fucking ridiculous , it hasn’t got any credibility .
IPA : No Sir .
IG : Still … bloody good idea though … wish we’d thought of it … but it’s one we can’t countenance IPA , can’t stoop to their level .
IPA : What do you suggest Sir ? Firebombing ?
IG : Arsene tried that already .
IPA : Dropping them from a great height on their heads ?
IG : Peter did that already .
IPA : What about some humiliation Sir ?
IG : Lady Nina , a dog-lead and a freshly soiled toilet bowl ready for licking ?
IPA : Yes Sir .
IG : No IPA , much as the idea gives me great pleasure , they’ll just keep coming back for more . Clear Blue Sky thinking is what we need . We must simply just ignore them , we must urge all true Gooners out there to ignore them , starve them of the oxygen of publicity , deny them your click no matter how tempting or how inconsequential you might think your click is . Eventually they will have no-one left to fight , and they will turn inwards on themselves .
IPA : How can you be sure Sir ?
IG : Because they’re cunts IPA . Eventually Gareth the Cunt and Geoff Gervais will each want total control – dual management doesn’t work with cunts – and eventually they’ll end up destroying each other .
IPA : Let’s hope so Sir .
*Lady Nina runs into the room visibly upset , she is naked apart from high heels and a torn canon-embroidered G-string *
IG : *averting eyes* Jesus Christ , woman , cover yourself up , this is a Boardroom , not a Bordello .
Lady N : *hysterical* Shut up , Ivan , shut up . You have seen it all before anyway .Have you no heart , can’t you see I have been most deeply offended , that I have been violated ?
IG : Sorry Lady Nina , what on earth is the matter ?
Lady N : I vent to see that pig , Usmanov , just like you said . Vhat a bastard . I go in my best seduction outfit , zhe high heels , zhe stockings , zhe Arsenal Basque , zhe Arsenal G-string . Straightaway , no introduction , he tears at my clothes , he is very rough , he is hurting me very much .
IG : My God , Lady Nina , how awful for you .
Lady N : No , I liked it .
IG : Then what’s the problem ?
Lady N : Zhat is the problem , zhat I liked it . He likes the force , he like it vhen zhe othzer person not like it . He call me an impoverished slag .
IG : That’s just fucking rude .
Lady N : I know and it’s not even true . I have £125 million in zhe bank . Then , vhen he see I am enjoying myself he chucked me on zhe street in just my torn G string . How can I live vith myself , I ave been turned down by a man . My powers are vaning , my reputation is ruined , does my bum look big in zhis ?
IG : This is very bad news indeed .
Lady N : I know , vhat am I going to do ? Zhe plastic surgery ?
IG : Not you , you witch . Don’t you see , your failure to seduce Usmanov makes the chances of a hostile takeover all the more likely . Ah , here comes Peter , he looks like he’s dressed for a hostile takeover , perhaps he’s heard something .
*Enter Peter Hill Wood dressed as Biggles , and humming the theme tune to Dads Army *
PHW : What’s up cocksuckers ?
IG : We were rather hoping you might be able to tell us about a potential hostile takeover Peter . You look as if you’re dressed for it .
PHW : This ? *points to Biggles outfit* Nope , this is my outfit from that wretched match we had to play in the Fourth Reich . Can’t be too careful , can’t trust those fuckers .
IG : But that was a fortnight ago Peter , haven’t you changed ?
PHW : I’ve already told you , Gazidis , llama indoors likes musky .
IG : So you know nothing about Usmanov then ?
PHW : Only that he’s a fucking commy rapist who looks like a slug , leaves a dirty trail of slime wherever he goes , and that if it wasn’t for Tango man , he wouldn’t be anywhere near this club .
IG : Yes , we well and truly got tangoed there .
PHW : Oh do man up and grow some bollocks Gazidis , for fucks sake . I’ll deal with this cunt when the time arrives . Piece of piss . The slime-ball doesn’t know his Charlie Radford’ s from his Freddie Parlour’s . Fucking always the voice of doom Gazidis . Things are looking good , won The Emirates cup last Saturday , things couldn’t be better .
IG : We came third Peter .
PHW : Did we ? But we were one up with 10 minutes to go .
IG : We scored an own goal with 6 minutes to go .
PHW : Fuck , must have missed that . Some Yank cunt came up to me and asked me if Arsenal were going to remain offensive this season . Of course we’re going to remain offensive I said , then I called him a cunt and told him to fuck off . Spent the last 10 minutes of the match kicking the shit out of him , before a steward intervened .
IG : It was all pretty grim , a few of our fans started booing at the end .
PHW : Cunts ! IG : Well , they had good reason , Peter . We had just squandered a lead in a meaningless friendly in which they spent most of the time doing the Mexican Wave , and it was very hot , and we had lots of subs on , and one of the Yanks was going to play for us . To lose a lead in those circumstances was pretty unforgivable really .
PHW : Total and utter Cunts . Hope they stay away forever . Still nice to see old Thierry Bergkamp again . Picked up quite a tan since we last saw him eh ?
IG ;Err .. um . If you say so Peter . Those Argies were a bit rough though weren’t they .
PHW : Well what did you expect . A team of Boxer Juniors , they might have been young , but they’re going to be up for it aren’t they . Still , the cunts can’t handle the real thing can they . Our boys showed them who’s boss when the cheeky cunts stormed the Isle of Wight . Shame that wanker Maradona wasn’t a soldier , could have done him and then won the World Cup in 82 , instead of getting knocked out by his Hand of a Cunt .
IPA : 86 , Sir .
PHW : Oh Fuck off IPA , you fucking pedant .
IPA : Yes Sir .
*Arsene Wenger enters the room looking ship-shape , and throws his Bowler hat expertly onto the Hatstand .*
AW : Bonjour , bonjour …
PHW : That’s what I fucking like to see , a bit of bloody cheerfulness about the place , these cunts are wearing me down , Arsene .
IPA : *chuckling* I think Mr Wenger’s got some good news about new signings , haven’t you Sir . We have been up all night , negotiating deals , haven’t we Sir .
IG : IPA , you fucking cunt , why wasn’t I told ?
IPA : *beaming* Wanted it to be a surprise Sir . Can hardly contain myself Sir . Shall I put them out of their misery Mr Wenger Sir ?
AW : Bien Sur , IPA , go ahead .
IPA : We have bought a whole new squad , haven’t we , Mr Wenger Sir
IG : Oh , do fucking get on with it IPA . This better not be a team of insects IPA .
IPA : No , no , much better Sir . In goal , we’ve got a Chap called ‘Holic . Very experienced Sir , they call him The Guv’nor , has a calm authority about him , a Custodian of all things Arsenal , a keeper we can rely on Sir .
IG : Sounds promising IPA , what about the back four ?
IPA : Very solid Sir . At right -back we have bought a chap called Trev , knows the position very well , always constructive and often very creative . Very keen sense of humour Sir , good for dressing room morale . Particularly good at impressions . Does a very good one of Mr Hill Wood Sir , very funny .
PHW : Cheeky fucker ! Fine him two weeks wages .
IPA : Yes Sir .
IG : Left-back IPA ?
IPA : A chap called H2H Sir . Likes a night out Sir , picked him up in Holland , but born in Holloway . Came off the sauce briefly , but immediately went down with a mystery virus , so we’ve put him on an alcohol only diet , very solid performer Sir , especially when he takes on the right fuel Sir .
IG : Well , I must say this sounds very good , IPA , but what about our problem area , Central Defence ?
IPA : Ah , the perfect combination Sir . At Sweeper Sir , we’ve picked up a veteran called Clive . Very cheap on account of his age , but tremendously experienced , seen it all before , one of the fabled 4000 , nothing ruffles him . Had a few personal problems Sir and spent the Summer in the Secure Unit , but we have it on good authority that the love of a good woman , Cecilia in this case Sir , has got him back on track . Could turn out to be the bargain of the Summer .
IG : Excellent work Chaps , who have we got to play with him ?
IPA : Bergkamps the Man Sir . Poetry in motion coming forward Sir , but equally adept when there’s a bit of defending to be done . Scottish Sir , but more Mclintock than Ure . Been a bit top-heavy during the Summer Sir , but even in pre-season the signs are that this is about to change .
IG : Crikey , this is looking rather good . Who have we got in midfield ?
IPA : On the right flank , Sir , a young Swedish starlet by the name of Lars . Knows the turf Sir , played here before for a Swedish Select XI . Wise beyond his years Sir , knows his stuff inside out , and with the experienced Trev behind him , our right hand side has the potential to be tremendously exciting . On the left flank Sir , the first medical man to play for the Arsenal since Dr Flanagan Sir . A Dr C , by his own admission Sir , a bit of a quack , but has other qualities which just couldn’t be ignored . Tremendously exciting Sir , we’ve nabbed him from Barcelona .
PHW : Fucking Catalonian cunts , I love getting one over those ref bribing tapas eating llama hating cuntbags .
IPA : Quite Sir . Been playing for Barcelona , they call him The Tin Man over there . But he’s got Arsenal DNA sir , always wanted to play for us . Will be capable of magic Sir , and his medical skills might come in handy if H2H gives up the alcohol again .
IG : Tremendous foresight . Great combinations on both flanks . Who’s in the Engine Room ?
IPA : Another Doctor Sir , a Dr Z , though no-one knows for sure if he really is a Doctor . He’s the Driver of the side Sir , also brings a FeelGood factor to the side , equally adept at the long or the short game . Capable of brilliance Sir . A touch of the Jimmy Logies about him .
IG : And his midfield partner , IPA ?
IPA : True Storey Sir , the perfect complement Sir . More expansive Sir , very inventive , picks up the play and runs with it , Keeps everybody involved Sir . Holds the key to everything that’s good . Particularly effective and unforgiving against the Spuds , especially Spud primates .
IG : So , strong at the back and creative going forward .Brilliant . Who’s going to finish off all these chances IPA ?
IPA : Our very own fox in the box Sir , or should I say , our very own renard en la boite . A french homme called Ollie Sir , doesn’t mess about Sir , short backlift , full of French flair . Sees the main chance and before you can say snails for tea , it’s in the back of the net .
IG : Well this is too good to be true IPA , who’s his strike partner ?
IPA : Ah , bit of a problem player Sir . Insists on playing in Speedos and Jimmy Choos , says he has unbreakable contracts with them Sir .
PHW : Fucking Cunt ! Who the fuck does he think he is ?
IPA : Wolfgang Smallballs Sir . King of the Ladyboys Sir .
PHW : Deviant Cunt !
IPA : Yes Sir . Plays in the hole and is a bit too in and out . Injury prone because of his footwear , and usually insists on being pulled off at half-time . However , there’s competition for his place , and being pushed hard usually brings out the best in him .
IG : Well that all looks good IPA , but have we got strength in depth ?
IPA : Absolutely Sir . We’ve got the youth of Camberwell , Charlie and Snir .Big role to play when the older legs tire . Matt’s stats always look good . And Lester and Noel73 are very solid performers and can fill in , in any position . Harsha’s good for regular appearances and SteveT will come on when we need width .The American boys Nasri and Lonestar the Llama man will be called up for the night games , very creative .
PHW : Llama man ? Sounds like the right sort of kind . He should be straight in , instead of that Smallballs cunt .
IPA : Can’t at the moment Sir , unable to face Brazilians , they unsettle him Sir .
IG : Anybody else IPA ?
IPA : Thousands and thousands of others Sir .
IG : This is beyond my wildest dreams IPA . Fantastic . Arsene you are a genius !
AW : Bien Sur . I am a revolutionary football coach . These boys will die for arsenal , they love this club . They will play for Beer money , or in Clive’s case orange juice money , and they will pass on their passion to the next generation .
PHW : The perfect self-sustaining model , Arsene , brilliant .
IG : I’m on top of the world , Arsenal not in crisis at all , back at the football summit . Shall we get the pipes and celebrate ?
AW : Mais oui !
IPA : Oh yes Sir !
PHW : Fucking dopehead cunts ! Come on Bracewell-Smith , you look as if you need cheering up , let’s go and have some fun with the Llama .
Lady N : Oh yes Peter .
PHW : And by the way , your fucking arse does look fucking big in that .
*And let us leave them there , Gareth the C and Geoff Gervais about to implode , AW , IG and IPA happily puffing on their pipes as they contemplate their new signings and PHW and Lady Nina looking forward to a threesome with a llama*