It’s a two parter tonight, ‘holics, and as a light-hearted aperitif, prior to an altogether more difficult to digest main course, I am happy to bring you an update from our friend in Bali. I remember playing cricket with a medical student some years ago, who had persuaded someone to sponsor him to do a six-month study on obesity in Bali. Now our very own Bergkamp the Man has the nerve to tell me he is ‘working’ out there. The green-eyed monster has me firmly in his grasp.. Anyway, enough of an introduction. Take a peep into the mind of a Gooner stranded overseas on derby day.
The chilling scream of a vampire bat flitting hypnotically through the cool silver light of a Balinese full moon might have been the cause. Or maybe it was the splash in the night’s darkness from beside the lily-pad and the rippling sound of the slithering wake as a five foot long iguana, moved off noisily to make a meal of the fat bullfrog that had been croaking incessantly since the last, Arsenal red, rays of the sun had disappeared slowly below the volcano’s rim, leaving it stranded in the shade of its final year. Or the steely snap of a long silver barracuda’s jaws closing with a horrible finality on one more young life aquatic.
The screeches of a troupe of chimpanzees swinging through the night, high above in the jungle’s canopy, could have done it. Or perhaps it was the never ending click, emanating from the constant twitching of the Balinese itchy twitchy man, designated to work the night-time fan and generate a cooling breeze for the perspiring sleepers, turning restlessly under blood red sheets beneath the skillfully woven cane and bamboo ceiling of the compound’s grand room.
Whichever sound was the cause, it provided a huge relief to be woken and released from the nightmare that only seconds before had had me wrapped tightly, squeezing the very breath from me, preventing me from catching a new gasp of air, as if wound tightly in the coils of the dreaded, lilywhite, Indonesian python.
Those twin, blood stained, pointed teeth. These horrible beady eyes and grasping claw and the heart stopping face of the Van Der Vartpire; the dark, scaly, worm-infested skin of the Jenasiguana; the fat bull frog, black and boastful as Willie G; all six feet nine and a half inches of fetid ‘cuda fishy flesh, Crouching to pounce on something smaller; a whole gang of hairy, big-eared, jug-jawed Gareth Bale lookalikes swinging and screeching and worst of all – the itchy twitchy fan waver, who’d suddenly developed a catastrophic case of the Hawwy’s. and was twitching at a rate approaching light speed.
All of them and others too insignificant to mention, getting lillywhiter by the second and swarming toward ME like the hellish legions frae Alloway kirkyard after Tam yelled oot “Weel din, Cutty Sark!” All of them singing “One in a row, One in a row” and “We’re a big club now” and “Shall we make a DVD?” and on and on!
And Jamie WetKnapp was there too, being interviewed by Alan Hansen for Moron of the Day TV. “Should Fabregas have been sent off for that horrendous tackle on the ball for the penalty, Jamie? Was he the last man?” “Well, I’m pleased as a parrot for me dad, Alan. Qwever old cunt is Hawwy, ain’t he? Mastew stwoke with the subs, ‘wan it?”
Then, in an instant, a’ was dark, and amazingly there was the fragrance of frangipani in the night air. There was the smoky aroma and deep red glow of a smouldering stick of Indonesian bouganvilia. The plaintive twang of a Balinese harp and calming sound of water slipping languidly over polished stone. Then, soft hand, firmly kneading and smoothing my nether regions, and rubbing away my tensions fears and much else.
I looked up at the long black hair, the pearly white teeth shining in the candle light between two, full deep red lips into the charcoal dark eyes that would melt a heart of steel. “Never mind, BtM. You’ll get over it. The gunners will thump Braga on Tuesday night, go top against Chelsea on December 27 and kick the living shit out of the LWCs in the away match. Now turn over and I’ll rub your tummy – and no more nightmares please! In Arsene we trust”
If you really want to understand the life of an editor, just copy and paste that into Word and spell-check it! Seriously though, may I offer huge thanks to BtM for lifting my mood on a very dark weekend indeed. That’s another Glenmorangie you have earned, as well as my gratitude. Cheers.
32 Responses to “Bali, Hi!”
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Lovely stuff BTM. I’ll drink to not having anymore nightmares.
2nd post?
3rd Yay!
Good post BTM-
Another display of the level of mind state of our fellow gooners!
A toast to that magical post, kudos to BtM and his ever-lyrical style!
Snow Queen tonight, still needing the strong stuff.
good post has anyone checked wengers comments?http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11670_6522281,00.html
and karma hits the cunt henry http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11699_6521780,00.html
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@btm
that was amazing and hilarious at the same time! you should have been a poet sir…
Brilliant, lifted my mood a bunch. Thanks BTM. Let’s hope we get the qualifying out of the way tomorrow, and stuff the Villains on Saturday. Fuck the LWC’S
BtM
Thanks from me too faether for the light relief (ahem). Very enjoyable.
Ah Bali…. it’s been nearly twenty years since I’ve been there. Warm and dusky she certainly was.
Back here in the cold wastelands of Northern London, the creatures from the black latrine, some of them pond life, are still trying to infest our normally calm waters.
Most of them haven’t yet developed lungs, they’re still breathing through gill-zeans (sorry!). Interlopers all, they only come and visit because they haven’t got decent bars to frequent. Well they wouldn’t would they, having flippers for arms and all that?
Wish I was there, enjoy your travels, see you in the drinks.
Barman? I’m ready for that chewy main course now, thanks.
TS- haha you’re crazy mayne!
Olderthan’ @ #10
Yes, f*ck them all…. but esp at WHL on Feb 26th. We’ll be baying for their blood, every last drop of it:
http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/-i-am-giving-every-drop-of-my-blood-
The audacity of these LWC’s coming in here to gloat about one measly win in 17 years…
…it speaks for itself!
BtM
What a wonderful joy you bring to us all, your words is like music to our ears…what else can you say true Arsenal poetry.
Thank you kind Sir and here another Glenmorangie from me 🙂
Who will join me for a cheeky one tonight? Barman you can certainly have one yourself.
Can’t wait for the other part Holic now…
GT
Just trying to add a little humour and lift the mood further before ‘Holic’s promised “hard to digest” main course.
Over to you Sir Holic?
Arthur, I’m here. Double please big man!
The message is getting out to us but is it sinking in to the players?
Well, they are an improving group, who have got better…
Onwards and upwards I say!
TS, always hated losing to them cunts, especially at our place. I’m convinced we will return the compliment in Feb.
TS – Your carcking me up! Yeah I know, I already started the home work at work in the last post as Holic requested (cause I’m an efficient bugger).
I’ll re-post it in response to the main course if I have to, as I’m sure it will be relevant!
What happened to Diaby and when is Verminator back?
The landscape is changing. Is it for the better? (Well we’re 2 points behind the other two)
We need to keep the mood Arsenal, it’s the only way!
Arthur, please pour Olderthan’ a large one too – I would really like to drink to that.
Here’s to the next 17 years of winning at home in the NLD.
Arthur I’ll have a Bigger Fruit Punch please Dawg!
Barman whatever TS would like please…make it two doubles my mood is improving by the hour….
GT
Diaby is still tending to his ankle as for Verminator his injury is a bit of mystery so god knows whe he will be back and I miss him so much (wheep wheep).
Talking about defenders I would like to see Johan at the back tomorrow.
I hope Verm is back soon, ArthurTheGooner. We definitely miss his steadiness in defense (and offense for that matter). I doubt Wenger had expected to play Kos so often.
Arthur –
I think Djourou’s return is well overdue!
I don’t care who plays tomorrow – just 90 minutes of commitment and concentration will be enough for me – if we can master that, the results will follow.
Drinks all round please barman, cheers.
Thanks to BtM for a great read. Please send over the cute barmaid with a mai tai, little paper umbrella, and a sniff of frangipani.
Fantastic. We must share ale next time you venture away from your travels and make another visit the The Grove.
Hi Holics,
A boring tuesday morning here at work. So, I head to this wonderful bar:)
What a nice post by BTM. Brilliant. Although I have to confess, I had to seek help of an online dictionary for some adjectives there.
I am completely for a Djourou start tonight!!
I wouldn’t mind some alcohol in the morning:)
Cheers
nice writing BtM.
For all your nightmares, I’d rather be in Bali prodding fat people than in Hemel in a warehouse!
Another Glen’ for BTM and I’ll take one too.
Right, off to the main course.