Life On Mars
May 16th, 2010 by 'holic
“It will be a long hard summer,” I said to the fella in the pub at lunchtime. “I’m struggling for stuff to write about and the season has only been over a week.”
“You a blogger then?” he enquired casually. “Which club?”
When I told him he smiled. “You would love to have my job then. I’m with the fraud squad. Just been spending a lot of time lately with a twitchy friend of yours, no names no pack drill.” He tapped his nose. It was my turn to smile.
“How do you go about proving or disproving cases like that then? Naming no names, obviously.”
“Same as any other job really,” he replied. “Lots of hard graft. We study what is on computers and laptops belonging to the clubs and individuals concerned, and spend a lot of time interviewing them, looking for little inconsistencies in their accounts of deals.”
“Was our friend, who we cannot name, a difficult nut to crack then?”
“I’ll say he was. Take this one deal where we thought something must have been not quite kosher. We had reports from a member of the public that the suspect had been seen in a coffee shop accepting what looked like inducements shortly before signing a player from Northern Europe”
“What, from an agent, you mean?” I couldn’t believe this exclusive was falling into my lap.
“Oh yes, we knew the fella. Lars has always been involved in deals of this nature. Anyway, we confronted yer man, who on this occasion may well have been telling the truth. Knowing Lars was flying in that morning he had phoned up and asked him to bring some duty frees in with him.”
“So he paid for them then?”
“Seems so. We had photographs of cigarettes being handed over as they drank their coffee. Then more as something was transferred from the boot of Lars’ motor into the suspect’s car. Turns out it was just some different varieties of fermented apple juice, a speciality in Scandinavia.”
“So you had nothing on him that time then?” I queried.
“Nothing worth pursuing,” he replied, “it was just ciggies, Starbucks, and the ciders from Lars.”
I’ll get me coat…
81 Responses to “Life On Mars”
cor ‘holic almost as bad as when er indoors says she’s made yer tom soup
cognac!
are you still living with Gin Genie?
He’ll get five years…..
Anybody ever heard the story of the empty fruit machines at the Bournemouth training ground?
A twitch fella also got done on that occassion 😉
Thanks ‘Holic for the Bromley Boys link yesterday. Sounds good, i’ll go and look it up.
I think you’re getting carried away Tim.
Hang on to yourself.
We all know Mr Twitch is the dodgiest manager in the Premier League, and very clever at covering his crimes too.
truly brilliantly awful ‘Holic!
I’m tucking into the celebratory beers right now! Help yourself…
Hahahahah nice one ‘Holic!
In order to try and compete, twitchy had to make some ‘changes’ to keep the ‘mad men’ at Pompey happy. He soon found him self in ‘quicksand’ and became ‘the man who sold the (Pompey) world’
I thank you!!!!!!
So its no game then?
Blimey Steve, are you still unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed?
Wenger quote “God knows I’m good, surely God will look the other way”
Excellent, ‘holic.
You Never Let Me Down.
I’m just pleased All the young dudes like you still pop in from time to time, nelly.
I lost my harp in Sand Crab’s Disco
FFS Jackster, that’s a mouthful of Cooley’s finest I’ll never get back 😉
Fukken heh, Jackster.
I heard You’ve Been Around.
He’s a Heathen, nelly…
It’s a god awful small affair, in the scheme of things.
What other cocktails are you offering this evening?
I could do you a Blue Jean, and Shake It, iMollusc?
Yes ‘holic, DB is my favourite ever singer/songwriter and funnily enough also my favourite footballer. (I named my dog Dennis after the latter)
With all your references above to the great man, you really are a Starman!!!
Can the Sp*rs get docked points if ‘ol twitcy is found guilty of his doggy deeds? Now that **please please god** will be funny.
haha wow. you heard it hear first.. maybe your blog on the previous club records affiliated with him tipped them off!
Let the champagne flow barman
Sing me a Song !
17th ! Booze up ! Cheerio !
LOL- brilliant read sir.
Very good article ‘Holic
I just want to point out that I am not the same Lars as mentioned in the post. I feel the need to clarify this, ’cause I don’t want the law men coming ’round to beat up the wrong guy!
Lars …. round of applause!
Excellent Lars!
Obviously your name is in Fashion at the moment 😉
Puntastic, ‘holic!
Drinks are one me.
Its gonna be a long close season, ‘Holic.
Are you
under pressure
to complete a daily blog? 😉
DAILY!!!
You’re having a moonage daydream, zico 😉
‘holic – please can you make some ‘changes’ to your blog so that ‘all the young dudes’ can understand what’s going on!!!
BTW – Most fun I’ve had on an Arsenal blog for a month or so.
Good Afternoon Holic & Holic`s
Breaking news on Sky Sports that Chamakh is in london to hold talks with Arsenal. i hope it all turns out well and he signs and we get the ball rolling on the summer signings.
Sorry for being off topic.
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Just don’t let Twitchy twitch anywhere near me!
come on…come on….we’ve really got a good thing going
Anybody from Swindon in tonight?
Let’s Dance 🙂
Steady on ‘holic, don’t let the sun blast your shadow, don’t let milk float ride your mind, you’re so natural – religiously unkind. You’re not alone though.
Evening Holic.
I’ve been away for a while, was busy setting up my new pub in North Holland and had no internet access (intentionally, otherwise I wouldn’t have got anything done) It’s good to be back in your “bar” and seeing that the quality posts are still been spun out.
Great story, and I’ll keep my eyes peeed to see if I can spot any members of the dark side in “coffee shops” over here.
Lager please sir, next one’s on me.
*peeed = peeled, better go easy on that lager, hic.
Holland?
Indeed, touche sir!
Add another string to your Bowie.
Oh you pretty things, I’m off to bed, but not before I have said…
Well done Swindon. Halfway there…
LOL – did you find out whether his twitch gets worse when he’s telling a lie? Sure sign of guilt that is! Can he still run spuds from wormwood scrubs? This man has destroyed every club he’s been at (pompey, west ham, bournemouth, southampton, even seattle etc.) just add one more to the list – his current employers- and we’ll be very happy!
=ne other point i’d like to raise- when are FIFA or UEFA gonna do something about B-arse-a ‘s blatant tapping up of arsenal players- its beyond a fucking joke!
‘Holic and Catalan, thanks – I am really happy that I managed to come up with a pun despite not ever having listened to Bowie all that much 🙂
I didn’t get the punchline……. 🙁
hazza… this should help a little;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDoW1vFLJp4
….and his band were called “The Spiders from Mars”.
In reality this is probably going to confuse rather than clarify!
Offtopic: Anyone else getting about the annual Cesc- Barca rumors.
I would never believe he would be a Barca player when I saw him play against them this season.. but people change.
Here’s a toast to mon capitan… best of luck to you Cesc.
Anyone who slights him or begrudges him the opportunity to experience professional success (even at Barca) are a pack of ingrates.
The boy gave us his best on the pitch, and, if he is off, I say thank you for the memories and godspeed.
Let’s just get it over with already.
Lol, I have no hard feelings at all. Infact I totally understand him.
He loves the club but is equally ambitious.
All the best to him, and hopefully he lifts the WC this year.
Stop right there. If you want to spout forth about unsubstantiated rumour there are other sites that lap that shit up.
Thank you.
Looks like Cesc has told AW that he wants to leave. A shame but no real surprise. At least we’ll get a shedload of money for him, £40m + Yaya Toure? If, as looks almost inevitable, he does leave, you’d think AW would spend big and get a replacement or bring in two or three less expensive young players. Milner, Ozil, Rodwell?
Good luck Cesc…
Holic, unsubstantiated? Its on sky sports dot com. Its not like Tribal football or goal dot com or some other gossip site.
Oh, good grief.
Ok, wont talk about it again. But just hope someone from the official site comes and refutes it. (Like they have done in the past) – so that we can breathe easy.
Maybe playing in front of Almunia or Fabianski all season, then hearing at the end of the season, “Goalkeeping is not necessarily an area we need to strengthen”, has forced Cesc’s hand. Or maybe not. Either way the lack of serious investment in the team, for whatever reason, in the last few years must have been really frustrating for him.
Good evening Holic & holic`s
“It breaks my heart but I have to leave”, says Cesc Fabregas
This statement was in the evening standard tonight. Sky sports have allegedly ask Arsenal for a statement on the Cesc situation and they have declined to give one.
This means they are sick of answering the same questions or its true and they are just not sure what to say. I hope its the first option but something tells me its not after such a bold statement. Very hard to take that out of context but if anyone can do it the written press can. You would think that Arsenal would have something to say about this thou.
If Cesc dose leave I for one will hold no grudge or any ill thoughts against him. i would wish him the very best for his career and thanks for so many fantastic performances and only wish he could have lifted a trophy as captain for the Arsenal.
I do not wish to offend you Holic & Holic`s but it dose seem that he may be leaving.
If Cesc does go good luck to him – can you blame him – not at all ‘cos prospects of a trophy with us are remote…..
Even if he stays – I hope he can, there have to be changes
If there is to be blame it starts and stops with AW
As I have said repeatedly, AW has produced a side that is only ‘allowed’ to play his way (impressive as that may be it does not always bring good results), but he does not have a plan B to cope with deep lying defences.
The squad did not have enough depth and variety.
AW gambled that the squad would cope and failed
Could some older heads give their opinions? Looks sadly real.
Here is my take. Barca would have bid. Cesc would have indicated that he wants to leave. But he still has 4 years left on his contract and I really cannot see Wenger bowing to the pressure.
This is different from Henry and Hleb. This is Cesc we are talking about. His best years are yet to come.
I feel absolutely gutted. There is just too much smoke now for there not to be any fire beneath it and I have very little hope that he will stay. The Arsenal will, of course, survive but this is a serious blow for me personally because I have absolutely loved Cesc as a player since the first time I saw him play.
If he goes, I just hope we fucking bleed Barca dry. No less than what Real Madrid payed for that cunt they bought from Manchester Indebted will do.
Don’t like gossip but there does seem more to it this time. Barca’s endless tapping up no doubt has had an effect. Must admit I do not agree with those above. If he has asked to go and does leave then I for one will be fucking furious. With Cesc and with both clubs. Once again it is the fans who take the full brunt of such actions.
Here’s hoping……..
One things that does give me the raging arse is this. Didn’t Peter Hill-Wood say that we had an agreement with Barca that they would not bid for Cesc this season? If that is the case then why are we reading that they are considering a bid? Someone somewhere needs to get their facts sorted.
Nothing’s done yet and I’d be disappointed if Cesc did not spend one more season with us. I really admire the man even more so than the player, whatever happens won’t change that.
But Steve look at how we handled the Chamakh transfer, it’s not like we’ve shown much (if any) respect to Bordeaux either. Football at this level is a business and Barca would be stupid not to play their cards. We hijacked Cesc on a free and are going to sell him back for a hefty amount of cash, be it this summer or the next, we can’t say we’re being wronged. I don’t think we have the moral high ground to complain about the way Barca handles the case, nor does any other big club in the same situation. In case Cesc leaves and Arsene manages to grab Eden Hazard from Lille despite the club not wanting to sell him, the Lille supporters will howler but we won’t give it a second thought.
If I’m not mistaken a ‘friend’ said Cesc said blah, blah bollox. Read the article again.
Not going to defend anyone. I have said in the past that we needed to match Cesc’s ambitions. That doesn’t mean paying silly money for ‘superstars’. I mean I still think we ‘make’ them not ‘buy’ them. However, certain areas could have been addressed in the last couple of years and they were not. No point going down the blame culture route.
If we do sell, let’s as someone else has said “bleed the fuckers dry”.
Put up or shut up.
Looks like Cesc is out. He’s stirred the pot enough that it’s starting to boil over.
OohToBeAGooner @ 61
As an older, but not too ancient head, i would say this.
This stuff is still unsubstantiated by any of the “involved” parties.
There have been many summers full of “Henry is off” / “Vieira is off” type rumours which never came true.
“Best friends” of Vieira “quoted” on Teletext etc as saying that “Arsenal know that Patrick Vieira has kicked his last ball for the club”. The following season Vieira was the Arsenal captain.
Cesc Fabregas has always been very quick to kill any “serious” sounding rumours of his departure to Barcelona – and that, at the moment, is what sets this particular episode apart.
As yet, no denial from Cesc himself.
If he goes, I will be gutted, and a bit angry, but you have to consider why he would leave now.
It doesn’t seem to be in his nature to reassure fans that he is not going to leave and is proud to be our captain, only to turn all of that on it’s head just a few weeks later.
Don’t forget he is in Spain at the moment, where he may be a little more detached from what is being reported here.
BUT – he is at home, in Spain, among friends and family. Maybe, probably, he feels at home and very secure there – and that, I feel, is why this may be a bit different to the usual summer guff.
Cesc Fabregas has now seen no less than 3 of his Arsenal team mates lying injured on the pitch with shattered legs and ankles.
Horrific, nauseating injuries that could easily have ended careers. Some, in fact, may yet have done.
As a ball playing play-maker, currently nursing a cracked fibula in his leg, imparted by a Birmingham defender, it must occur to him that he is probably the most likely player in this team to suffer the next shattered limb.
It would take an extraordinary amount of loyalty to stick around and risk the best years of his career, before he has even really won anything, when he could go home to the best footballing team on earth at the present time.
He has been absolutely brilliant for Arsenal in every way since he first kicked a ball for the club. While i would be slightly angry to see a player walk out on a contract that still has 4 years to run, especially as the captain of the club, most of me can understand why he would want to go.
It is sad to think, if my hunch is right, that vile twats like Allardyce and those who encourage teams to stick it up the Arsenal, could drive such a wonderful player out of our game.
But that is what I think.
I hope I am completely wrong.
And we have Jack Wiltshire. Our very own. Not quite ready yet, but put some PV types around him and watch him go!!
Sorry people, I have a little work elsewhere, and an eye on Millwall as well. Hope to be back with something later.
No more ‘he’s gone’ bollocks though, please?
Thanks.
Trev, I have been thinking the same about the broken legs. Remember, on each of the three occasions Cesc was just a few yards away from what happened.
And the worst part is that twats like Allardyce won’t understand what they have done, he and his likes will instead take pride in having bullied yet another “soft foreigner” out of the league.
No. That is what I love about Cesc, he doesn’t take that “soft foreigner” tag. He gave it back to ’em. Remember the Ssshhh to Pulis at the Brittania. Classic.
@OohToBeAGooner: Cesc is most definitely not a “soft foreigner” despite what Allardyce et al are saying. He’s about as hard as they come, one of my all time favourites as far as Cesc goes is from the game at Blackburn in the fall of 2007 when Robbie Savage tried to kick him to bits and Cesc just kicked back even harder. Poor old “hard man” Savage didn’t know what to do and before the game was up it was HIM complaining to the ref about being kicked, not the “southern softies” 🙂
Cesc to Barcelona, and ‘Holic to Millwall, all in the same day? Please say it ain’t so!!
@Lars
Or him taking on the c*nt Terry in the 2007 home game (which we won 1-0) and hacking down Cashley (in the same game) at the end.
Cesc is Arsenal.
Check comment 45, bt8bbnn.
I have an ulterior motive…
Let’s wait and see shall we? Vieira ‘saga’ was more protracted than this. I don’t understand (if it happens) how Barca would be setting the purchasing price.
I’m prepared to sit idly hoping he’ll remain – although it goes without saying we simply have to win a trophy next season to avoid this all over again in 12 months.
Viva Fabregas
Check out his blog: Guillem Balague
Matt. Can’t say i agree with you. What has been wrong with the Chamakh deal? We made an offer last season. That was not accepted. That is their right. However, it is also a gamble on their part when they know he has only a year left on his contract. Their choice. Any interested party could talk to him from Jan 1st. No different to Gallas.
What gives me the arse with all of this is all the shite that is spouted during the season by both clubs and the player, and the vast majority seems to count for nothing.
I never normally bother with gossip but all of this I find disturbing, and for many different reasons. Not just because we may lose our captain and best player.
Steve T – since when has Eboue been captain?! Heh!