Scouse Wit Precedes Fifty Years Of Hilarity
Apr 16th, 2011 by 'holic
A week in which we have not had a game has still seen us hogging the back pages. A sad loss, a new beginning, it’s all happened. Now it is time to focus on producing a fitting response on the pitch as we face two enormous matches in four days.
A week before Easter, the visit of Liverpool stirs memories of the invincibles being dragged up by their bootstraps as Thierry Henry almost single-handedly turned a 1-2 deficit into a 4-2 triumph in another April classic. Whilst the current squad looks decidedly ‘vincible’ there is no reason why a spirited performance should not yield the points to cut Manchester United’s advantage to four.
Complicating matters is the fact that the Liverpool of 2011 is such an inconsistent beast. In the last couple of months they have comfortably beaten both Manchester clubs, but surrendered the points to the likes of West Ham and West Bromwich Albion. They look unlikely to finish higher than sixth so the Mickeys find themselves praying that Manchester United win the FA Cup, thus freeing up another Europa League berth for next season. (Edit. Thanks to Chiefinho on Twitter for pointing out the FA Cup runners-up will get the other spot, not the club that finishes sixth.)
They arrive with a dangerous new partnership up front in Suarez and Carroll, who seems to be following too closely in the footsteps of Stan Collymore. Good news for us is that Gerrard remains injured, but bad news is that the erratic Johnson is also still injured.
Remarkably the extended treatment room at the Grove has virtually emptied this week. Crowds of physios and doctors have been left to experiment with Lukasz Fabianski’s body as the likes of Szczesny, Song, Djourou, and Vermaelen have returned to training. It is too early for Thomas to play, one would think, but I would expect the other three to return in a bid to strengthen the base from which an attacking display could be launched.
With both sides capable of producing anything from abject to outstanding this is as tough a game to predict as there is. The ‘holic pound seeks those three points, so important to us, and so I am plumping for a heart-stopping 2-1 to the Arsenal. Shop around for 15/2 on this outcome.
Whilst on the subject of the ‘holic pound I owe a big thank you to Arseblog reader Patrick, who pointed out that last night’s 9.25 at Dundalk featured horses named Pires and Dreamy Gent (Rocky’s Pride was a non-runner). I’m delighted to report a nice little each-way tickle on Dreamy Gent came good, although sadly Pires shuffled in some way behind. Thank you Patrick.
Fifty Years – And Never Again
Arthur the Gooner has been busy resetting the Spurs clock, originally set to record the end of the 1960-61 season, but in fact the exact anniversary of our neighbours last title triumph was fifty years ago on Sunday. Fifty years of complete and utter mediocrity have ensued. Thank you Arthur, for your expertise, and the following hapless bunch for helping to ensure we remain the one proper club in North London.
Terry Neill (agent 001), Keith Burkinshaw (too nice), Peter Shreeves (jumped-up cabbie), David (Kerbcrawler) Pleat, Trevor Hartley and Doug Livermore (whooooo?), Terry (shit Sinatra) Venables, Peter Shreeves (still a jumped-up cabbie), Doug Livermore and Ray Clemence (no, really!), Osvaldo (in Brady’s pocket) Ardiles, Steve (Squeaky) Perryman, Gerry (crap mullet) Francis, Chris (Badger) Hughton, Christian (Down in the tube station at midnight) Gross, David (slow-parking) Pleat again, George Graham (agent 002), David (how much, love?) Pleat yet again, Glenn (born again) Hoddle, David (policewoman you say?) Pleat yet again, Jacques (Cousteau) Santini, Martin Jol (brother of Dick and Cock), Clive Allen and Alex Inglethorpe (whooooooooo?), Juande (my prints will come) Ramos, Clive Allen & Alex Inglethorpe (what did you expect, Pleat again!), Harry (I ain’t no f’ing wheeler-dealer) Redknapp. Each and every one of them was refused an audience by the Pope in no uncertain terms.
Tottenham truly are, and always will be, FOREVER IN OUR SHADOW!
60 Responses to “Scouse Wit Precedes Fifty Years Of Hilarity”
I was wondering whether I was drinking on my own in the wrong bar, but I see I might be at opening time here.
An extra shots for those wearing the FIOS T-shirt this weekend then? 😉
Welcome Ollie, now I have finished working I shall take in the second half of the Baggies with a refreshing first pint of Guinness.
Ollie – I’m wearing an “I’m Fifty” badge, does that count?
Nice post, btw Holic.
Heh. Help yourself, zico.
Surprising no PL game on French TV today, ‘holic. So Arsenal Ladies, but Emma Byrne has already conceded 3….
I am watching West Ham-Villa and let me tell you that Wayne Bridge is utter, utter pants. Not that that is much of a surprise to anyone, but still. It’s 1-1 after about 70 minutes, but Villa are dominating the game completely and should be ahead.
Don’t really know what to expect from tomorrow. Logically, a whole week of rest after a win should be good for us but on the other hand, Liverpool will have had just a day less to rest on the back of a comprehensive win over Man City so no advantage for us there, then.
Ah, hell, guess I should just stop thinking about it and have a pint instead. Barman, have you seen my good friend Mr John Smith today? If so, could you please tell him to come join me at the bar?
Benoit Assou-Ekotto sings…
Many moons ago; I was entering Charlie Chans night club and a certain Peter Shreeves was at the entrance, gesticulating “don’t you know who I am” they obviously weren’t going to let the freeloading twat in for nothing.
Also kerb crawler broke my old mates brothers heart by throwing him out of the club. Clue: tall shit centre forward!
Forever may they be in our shadow…
They have had a few of them Paul. Chris Armstrong perchance?
I had the misfortune to run into Peter Shreeves at a match once. Jumped up little sod thought everybody should bow and scrape to him and complained when they didn’t. Utter, utter, twat.
Good read today, ‘holic. Hilarity, mediocrity, ineptitude, call it what you like but the fact is Sp*ds best attribute is making other clubs look better.
Cheers, ‘Holic 🙂
2-1 Villa in the 91st minute – that goal meant that I lost what would have been the equivalent of about £90 in winnings on a bet I placed… Gabi Agbonlahor, you now owe me money!
Afternoon ‘Holic and Afternoon All ,
Nice post ‘Holic . Particularly enjoyed your description of Gerry Francis – was there ever a mullet that wasn’t shit ? – apart of course from our own trailblazer in that regard , Charlie Nich .
Still , one game at a time , and all that , and so to Liverpool .
I hate Liverpool . No , I really really hate Liverpool . Not as much as the Spuds ( they don’t count ) , but more than the Mancs , ( if you take Sir Red Nose out of the equation ) , and more than the Chavs .
Why ? So many reasons … Sure , Jimmy Tarbuck , Brookside , Cilla , Sonia and the famous Scouse ” wit ” haven’t helped but i think its largely as a result of the ineradicable stain they cast over my childhood and adolescence – all those bloody glory-hunters who professed to support Liverpool and didn’t know their Thompson from their Toshack , their Hughes from their Heighway , or their … err … Kennedy from their Kennedy .
I hate them for the over zealous celebrations of Emlyn Hughes , for Supermac’s shot that spun past the post in that semi final , for Lawrenson’s ‘tache , for Grobelaar’s throwing of games , for their white wembley suits , for their poisonous rascist abuse of John Barnes , and last but by no means least , their seduction of Ray Kennedy , my childhood hero .
So , boys , tomorrow , when you pull on that shirt of kings , think of George Graham volleying one home , of Alan Ball scoring in the first minute , of Niall Quinn’s ( debut ? ) goal , of Merse’ s back flick , of Anders banging one in from near-enough the halfway line , of Denis’s diving header , and of TH14’s hat-trick .
Think of these things , and win , win , win .
Drinks for all at the Bar .
Good stuff ‘holic.
I spent the last midweek in Euro Disney, seems like an apt way to spend my time for the build up to a game with the Mickey Mousers. I totally agree that tomorrows match is nigh on impossible to call. I think the return of Song, Djourou and Woj may just swing the pendulam in our favour, although all the big names need to step up to keep us in touch with the indebted.
COYRRR!!!
Lager for me please guv’.
Cheers
If it wasn’t for Echo and the Bunnymen, The Pale Fountains, Pete Wylie, Shack and The La’s should Liverpool even exist….seriously. It’s so remarkably depressing also…..
Half time….Man U 0-0 Man C, Boredom 7
I hate playing on Sundays every weekend…..
The LWC? You just have to laugh really…..
Nice rallying cry t.a.b.s., but I would add Micky T’s “ït’s up for grabs now” last minute winner to that excelent list.
Here it is;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jiBIdtUKhs
Whatever your having mate.
Wow a mention on goonerholic, I’m deeply honoured. Makes up for me placing the wrong bet last night and winning nowt.
In case any Chelsea fans are about and need a footbal related tip from Patrick, theres always flat racing’s Striker Torres, oh hang on, I’ve just checked his form and he hasn’t scored for ages either.
In case anyone here isn’t watching the FA Cup semi-final:
Scholes was just sent off, a straight red for violent play. That means that he is suspended for the game at the Emirates since they only have two games before that one.
City are 1-0 up (Yaya Toure after a huge Carrick mistake), 15 minutes plus added time to play.
Citizens up a goal and ManU(re) down to 10 And the double?
79th min.
5 minutes of Sir A time.
Don’t ya jus luv Mahn Citeh?
That will do.
Finally, Scholes gets sent off for yet another reckless challenge.
Has made a career out of it, and all the media go on as if its a joke…..”ah, a typical Paul Scholes tackle…., not the strongest part of his game…..”blah blah blah
Fecking ginger cheat got his, at last.
GIRUY whiskey nose. Treble?
3 trophies my Arse 🙂
Poor poor manure
wont win the cup thats for sure
I want to cry and I know not why
Wont win the triple and thats no lie
………………..
Oh I give up drinks all round on the Citeh of dreams
So, no treble then. I am now looking forward to the articles and “neutral” blogs mocking Sir RedNose for having the audacity to actually set targets for his team and aim high.
Not that it will happen, mind.
Ha – fucking – ha. ‘Nuff said.
manure are out of the fa cup.hope bolton win it.the treble is down to a double.I dont think they’ll win the cl so its our job to make sure they finish the season trophyless.only 7 more fights with diaby are needed.
I’ll have a treble whisky with zico 😉
Bollocks to Bolton. Citeh have Paddy and Kolo. Deserve one last medal.
BLUE MOON!
Anderson and Ferdinand trying to pick a fight with Balotelli, van der Sar punching a camera (or even trying to pull it out of the cameraman’s hands?) – there are things that the FA could have a look at.
H2H @15 – cheers mate , a nice cool lager to fire up the engines .
Tried to keep it to home goals , if i’d started banging on about Mickey Thomas and Charlie George , i would never have stopped writing !
Ruminations on the semi … David Platt’s head looks like a back-of-a-spoon reflection , Noel Gallagher looks like one of the Thunderbirds ugly cousins , Balotelli is a complete nutter , Rio is a gracious loser , and Scholes is a dirty , dirty twat .
I’m sitting here thinking that I dont know where to put my pound tomorrow. But then I’m thinking that I have lost £44 out of the last £45 I have placed, so my rubbishness at betting is unprecedented. So, everyone avoid 3-1, coz that’s where I’m going.
I’m not with you on that one, I’m afraid ‘holic. I’d rather Bolton won it.
SR get your money on 2-0 – Theo , and then a late Chamack header to ease frayed nerves .
Does anyone know what was going on with Rio and Ballotelli?(post match)
I had a Serbian feed and couldn’t make sense of it. I guess I really want to know if the FA is going to take some action that might result in suspensions.
viera and kolo deserve it.But city’s brand of football doesn’t deserve a trophy.and they have balotelli.
zico@22 agree with every word.I hate Scholes.
leftcoast: Balotelli, presumably, said something to Ferdinand who then set off tugging Balotelli’s shirt and he was clearly looking for a fight. A lot of people tried to separate the two and they were eventually separated after a few seconds, and Anderson tried to take over where Ferdinand couldn’t continue. Rio then turned to David Platt who, as it seemed, tried to calm things down but Rio shouted at his face while van der Sar attacked a camera man who was shooting what happened between Platt and Ferdinand.
If there is any consistency at the FA, at least VDS and possibly also Ferdinand should be suspended for three games (the equivalent of straight reds for violent conduct).
Nice post ‘Holic…
No treble then? Fucking cunts deserve it…
Come on ARSENAL!
Oh and I’ll have Whisky, please
3-1 it is. Every bet I make, the bookie writes the odds on my pathetic betting slip, but tonight they didn’t! A break in the routine, a break in the losing streak.
Scholes, when he retires the media are just gonna cream their pants about what a great player, a great servant, etc etc. No-one is gonna say that he is probably the dirtiest player of his age. The slow motion replay of that tackle, just about said it all.
I dont know what went on at the end of the game but it was pretty entertaining. Lets hope there is loads of bans.
Ollie,
http://simaghan.blogspot.com/
There it is.
Thanks ‘holic.
The finest drink for you, Sir!
@Lars
Thanks much.
Classic holic,once heard Rednapp grew up an Arsenal fan all i can say is he cant of been look where he is.2-1 to the Arsenal that will do me liverpool have been on a little roll lately big big game.
Cheers Ollie – and a treble for you too, sir.
TABS – “Noel Gallagher looks like one of the Thunderbirds ugly cousins” is one of the funniest things I have read on here for some time – I think you have to be of a certain vintage to realise how stupendously perfect an observation that is, and funny, to boot. Have a triple of your choice on me.
Goonerholic – I don’t normally disagree with your sentiments, but I can’t agree with you on wanting City to win it – I just think that there would be a certain poetic justice if the Arabs millions were shown up by Coyle’s mob on the day assuming they get there (as long as the cro-Magnon Davies does not get a medal..)
As much as Paddy and Kolo were great players for us, lets not kid ourselves as to why they are currently at Eastlands – its not because City were the only club they ever wanted to play for….and as Midas says their brand of football leaves a lot to be desired as well.
Management is out at work, there’s beer in the fridge and Man Utd have just been beaten. I have had worse saturday nights. 🙂
And this is what he said FUCK OFF – come on Arsenal tomorrow. Off to watch El Classico. Great post as always.
I’m with zico (sorry I was too lazy to explain earlier) on the Shitteh vs Bolton debate.
I’d better stop drinking trebles now, even if my train isn’t too early tomorrow.
Heh!
You wouldn’t be allowed to disagree with the Blogger(s) in some other places you know 😉
There was an eerie Purple Haze emanating from the BtM Crystal Ball when I woke up this morning. I was feeling funny, but I don’t know why, so ‘scuse me. “Hey Joe”, I said to myself, get up and walk across the bedroom floor of this Red House and see what’s going on with the ball, it looks like it’s in some kind of Electric Ladyland.
“He’s NOT what?”
“He’s NOT from Liverpool.”
“Who’s not from Liverpool?”
“Jimi Hendrix. He’s not from Liverpool?”
“Don’t be daft. Of-course he is.”
Foxy Lady, (Her Nellieneness), being difficult again. Quick check in Wikipedia -that’ll put her right. What? Seattle? Washington State!
So, there I was, waking up and thinking “I’m Alive” and enjoying The Air That I Breathe and pondering that my sibling Stan Aint Heavy, He’s My Brother, when I noted that the BtM Crystal Ball was in something of a spin, as if On a Carousel.
“They’re from Mancherster.”
“We’re not playing Man IOU this week-end, that game’s on the 30th.”
“No. The Hollies. They’re from Manchester.”
“Stop! Stop! Stop! They’re from Liverpool.”
Sorry Suzanne, (Her Nellieness), must have got out of bed on the wrong side of Gasoline Alley in her Long Cool Black Dress. Wikipedia will sort it. Feck!
So, as I was saying, the BtM Crystal Ball had a very bad dose of Needles and Pins when I woke up this morning so I sent out two of my Searchers to find the cause of the Sugar and Spice that sprays Everytime That She Walks in the room.
“The Crystal Ball says, Citeh will win the FA Cup; Barca the CL and Arsenal the League, BtM. There’s a picture of the Famous Red Grouse in there with his pants at his ankles and his arse up in the air. The blood vessels have all burst in his purple nose and shot right down to his back-side. It’s not a pretty sight, but it’s bloody funny” And with that, the Searcher went off to search.
I trundled over and – sure enough – it’s written there in Scottish pound notes, borrowed from RBS to keep Man IOU afloat for another year of $900M debt. …But wait, we get ahead of ourselves.
“Tomorrow’s score?” you ask. Arsenal 3 – Liverpool 0 with Robin scoring once in each half and the two kippers in Liverpool’s new 59M strike force being hooked, netted and beached quite easily by JD20 and Kos on the single occasion they get past Alex Song.
Enjoy, ‘Holics.
I could not care less who the fuck wins tomorrow, except that we play Bolton next weekend and I would prefer them to be flat and pissed off, and because of that, hope they lose 1-0 to a goal in the 93rd minute.
Of course, the drawback of that is that we see one of the worlds great intellects, Tony Pulis in the final.
own goal please.
BtM,
What can anyone say to that? Pure class, thank you.
heh ‘holic @ 48.
And top top stuff, BtM.
I do hope you turn up on the correct day for the Man IOU game though 😉
Cheers Zico , I’ll have a triple scotch please , and i better have a bag of crisps to soak it up .
Fat & Orange still have mates at the Mail, I see.
http://tinyurl.com/3r6d4uv
Great read ‘holic……..I love the “hapless bunch” part, the word “twitch” is missing me thinks. 🙂
BtM ……nice.
Thanks for all the appreciantions Holic, I hope I spelled it correctly.
Big, massive, fucking huge game tomorrow. Lads need to be on top. Not a single mistake please boys. Nothing but a win can carry us through.
WIN THE NEXT GAME…
3 points. That is all I want, 3 points. Not even that bothered this time how we achieve it. Just simply want 3 points.
WS and JD back will be a boost, especially against Carrol.
I read some interesting comments from Paddy on Saturday about certain players from previous years. If you have not seen them then they make a valid point in my opinion with the exception of the quality arguements. We need players over the run in who are prepared to stick their head into places where they normally would not be prepared to stick their feet.
Bring it on.
I am quite concerned about this game but I have a small feeling Liverpool will do us the same favor they did to Chelsea last season.
‘holic, it was Mark Falco. Great lad he was, always used to get me free tickets when they played the Arsenal. He loved the club. They should have hung on to Burkenshaw.