Life Of Ryan : Guest Post By Perry Talin
Mar 2nd, 2010 by 'holic
Act One, Britannia Stadium, Old Jerusalem.
Man in crowd : Look!
Crowd: Oh, ooh!
Man in crowd II: He has given us a sign!
Man in crowd III: He has given us…a shoe!
Man in crowd II: The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example!
Man in crowd IV: What?
Man in crowd III: Let us like him, hold up one shoe. It belongs to the one they call Ramsey.
Man in crowd II: How do you know that?
Man in crowd IV: Because Ramsey’s foot is still in it!
Act Two, Outside Britannia Stadium at 7.30pm
Ryan: Hallo, mother!
Mother: Don’t you “Hallo, mother” me! What are all those people doing out there?
Ryan: Oh, oh, well, I…
Mother: Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?
Ryan: Ehm, I think they must have popped by, or something.
Mother: Popped by?! Swolled by, more like. There’s a multitude out there!
Ryan: Mmm…they…they started following me today.
Mother: Well, they can stop following you right now! Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Mother: The who?
Crowd: The Messiah!
Mother: Now you listen here! He’s not the Messiah! He’s a very naughty boy! Now go away! Come on you snivelling little shit, I’m taking you home.
Act Three, The Aftermath
Judge Hansen: …you have been found guilty by the elders of football of uttering blasphemy.
Women disguised as bearded men: Ooh…
Judge Hansen: …you are to be stoned to death!
Women disguised as bearded men: Aah!
Arsene: Look, all I said was: “when you see a player getting injured like that it’s not acceptable”
Women disguised as bearded men: Oooh!
Judge Hansen: Blasphemy! He said it again!
Women disguised as bearded men: Yeah! Yes! Yes!
Judge Hansen: Are there any women here today? Collymore, Cascarino, beat them!
The End
69 Responses to “Life Of Ryan : Guest Post By Perry Talin”
Brilliant! A good example of how irony and humour can get right to the heart of something.
All together now-
Always look on the bright side of life……….
ROFL . I like the first one about Ramsey. he is really poor guy. anyway I like it but the other things i didn’t understand the messiah and the other one, I think because i’m not good in english.
How the English learned their tragedy from the ancient Greeks!
I doff my cap to thee. ‘holic. Cheers for that.
Yeah, sums it up with humour… the media have forgotton who the real victim is.
Thanks all. I really wanted to let it go, but then I listened to the Up For Grabs podcast, and I was raging again.
Actually Gerry, only some sections of ‘the media’ have forgotten. Mainly the ones who need to attract an angry audience, or the old pros’ who earn a living out of the game by being old school, populist, and xenophobic.
By and large the better ones have posted some very supportive stuff.
Hats off to you son. Awesome. Warped genius is what you are.
Bit of a backhander that, old. Warped? I ask you 🙂
Now, where is BtM. Don’t tell me I have upset him? He has been noticeable by his absence…
Good stuff holic. Cheers for the laugh
Tops….
Any of that Arkells left?????
Do you think I would have hit the publish button on that if I had any beer left, Steve?
IOU 1 x 2B 😉
Fair enough. Good point well made holic.
Lovely Gooner.
Satire is best at times like these.
haha good stuff.
six pack of bud light barman.
Good laugh… Perhaps we should point Aaron to that post?
I was wondering the same thing: where is BtM?
I would really like to know what the “old Jerusalem” part of it meant…
Cheers for everything you write ‘holic, really, you mean a great deal to all of us I think. Apologies if that sounds too soft but, anyhow.
I don’t post here too much but I am having a very hard time letting this go.
I felt irate when this happened to Diaby;
I felt devastated when this happened to Eduardo;
But this one, this third one is just…fury, shock, sadness for the boy, disbelief of the sickening twisted mentality in some quarters of the press and supporters, I’m sick over this whole mess.
Believe me, I’m from the US, where a culture violence and murder permeates every major city and dominates our foreign policy, where the various tv outlets once showed Joe Theismann’s (American football player) leg break thousands of times in the period of several days, and I still have a very difficult time letting this bullshit mentality go.
Do these media dickheads really want us to become callus to this kind of tackle?
What if this starts happening every week? Is that okay, as long as there was “no intent”?
I know it’s all been said anyway
Cheers
I too am from the US and happily the soccer media (such as it is) seems good at saying this stuff has no place in the game:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o67ftN-B6r8
Ah yes.. that is the clip about bobby mcmahon I was referring to yesterday.^
Pontius Pilate (Pulis): Thwow him to the gwound Centurion
Centurion (Shawcross): Roughly sir?
Pontius Pulis: Yes, Centuwion, VERY woughly…
Lol..erm Perry Talin. Just coming to grips with the injury. Just what I needed to get my mind of the utter crap that’s out there right now, so thanks.
Reading Act two, I thought Ryan’s mother was going to pull Ryan in for a right beating with a cactus bush.
Some in the media make it sound like it Saving Private Ryan. No mention of the anguish Aaron, his club, his fans, and most of all his family will be going through right now and the months to come.
I mean, why should Ramsey get any sympathy. Private Ryan only broke Ramsey’s leg in to two after all and instead of helping Arsenal for the end of season run in for the title, the lad is now is hospital thinking if he will every play again (which we all know he will).
I am sure a few of us have read this (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1254694/Crunch-time-Aaron-Ramseys-broken-leg-wake-game-pain.html).
Sounds like Mr Keown was being sandwitched between two idiots.
this… is excellent
‘Holic, another brilliant piece!
c1 gooner: he most certainly was. Keown really stands out as the lone voice of reason between those two twats.
And for each “ex-pro” that says “when I used to play blah blah blah” the feeling inside me that what they’re really trying to do is big themselves up as some sort of hard men of older days grows stronger. In keeping with the Monty Python references, it could be something like this:
Hansen: you know, when I was playing, the manager used ta screem at as before th’geme!
Redknapp: top, top luxury! My managers used to steal my wages and THEN scream at me!
Hansen: you ‘ad weges? Ah, we ‘ad ta pay just ta get in th’stadium and nobody go’on the team sheet UNLESS [dramatic pause] they paid another ‘undred pounds.
Redknapp: top, top pounds. But sometimes, we weren’t allowed to use our shin pads when we played against Wimbledon and Vinnie Jones was well ‘aard!
Hansen: aye what rubbish son! When ah plehd fer Leverpuul, Mr Shankly used ta come back from th’grave and kick our legs and break them before every geme.
Redknapp: top, top hard men we were. But you know what, if you tell the young kids of today, they won’t believe ya!
Hansen: no, no. And Leverpuul are gonnae win th’league this year!
Brilliant, James K. I wish I had thought of that. What a fabulous opening act that would have been. I can’t get the image of Pulis as Biggus Dickus out of my head now. 🙂
Though I have to take issue with some of your thoughts on our shared motherland Mondo, as far as the reaction to this latest horror goes, I couldn’t have put it better myself. As I sat in a bar and watched a television, somewhere on the other side of that screen a 19 year old boy with untold talent was lying on cold, wet grass with a shattered leg. No matter how hard I tried to focus on something else, the same thought kept running through my head: “He might never be the same again. Ever.” At NINETEEN, for Christ’s sake. He can’t even legally drink in my country. And why all this? Because some desperate oaf never thought about the consequences. Because the opposing manger was more concerned about a cheap point on a table than about the safety of the 22 men on the pitch. Because of a culture that said it’s ok to take cheap shots when the other player is better than you. Sitting in a room full of grown men I nearly cried, and I can assure I wasn’t the only one there that was close to tears. The whole situation was just so damn needless and so damn senseless.
Even now, a few days later, it still makes me sick just to think about it, and clearly I’m one of a good few in that sense. It makes my blood boil every new article I read demanding this or that apology from Wenger, or defending Shawcross, as if he’s the victim, or going on about how some Arsenal player a decade ago made bad tackles, as if that has anything to do with last Saturday. But if nothing else, at least all of this seems to have created a true siege mentality among the faithful. If Wenger can foster the same in the boys, that’s a powerful tool. Us against the world, and this is war. And two other things really hit home Saturday…
That penalty was a watershed moment in the Fabregas era. And Tom Vermaelen was one hell of a purchase.
Keep up the excellent work ‘holic. Class act, this blog.
Glad to see there is yet another reasonable voice out there in media land.
Oliver Holt in the Daily Mirror this morning also joins Arsene’s cause that teams should not be allowed to kick us off the pitch.
A good read here: http://bit.ly/dzpBMV
Good work ‘holic.
Oh James, I’ve driven to work now and still can’t get that out of my head. The opening act that should have been…
Pulis Dickus: Thwow him to the gwound CentuWyan
CentuRyan: Roughly sir?
Pulis Dickus: Yes, CentuWyan, VERY woughly…
CentuRyan: Can I snap him, Pulis Dickus?
Pulis Dickus: Yes, CentuWyan, but we must wemember to tell them afterwards that you are not that kind of CentuWyan…
Heh, brilliant, ‘holic.
Cheers, ‘holic. You bring a smile in the gloomiest of times.
I hate the frenzy of Arsene abuse by the media and some stupid Stoke supporters. I suppose that for some, if you can’t get the point then you should get the man.
Holic, priceless as usual, it brought a small smile to my face for the first time since saturday. Pulis dickus indeed, along with allerdyceus arsolus twattus, his advisor.
And lest anyone doubts the truth inside the satire, at a certain point yesterday if you Googled “feel sorry for Aaron Ramsey” you got 10 listings. If you Googled “feel sorry for Ryan Shawcross” you got 534… The Messiah indeed…
After reading that and having a small giggle, why did I picture Ryan DoubleBreak Shawcross carrying on with “Infamy, Infamy they’ve all got it in for me”
Love it !
Holic try this one.
FA Dimus : Walease Wyan
AFC Fanus : Walease Wyan ?
FA Dimus : Walease Wyan, he must play for England !
AFC Fanus : But Dimus he is dangerous !
FA Dimus : I don’t care, If he is to play for England we must make Mr Wenger look like a lunatic. So just walease him now.
AFC Fanus : So you are going to drop all charges brought against him for continuous dangerous fouling.
FA Dimus : Once you are called up for England all previous misdemeanors are forgotten and the victim is to blame for all ills brought upon him. So walease Wyan and let the media know we back Wyan and Wamsey done this to himself.
AFC Fanus : FA Dimus ! You are without doubt the poorest excuse for a football governing body in the whole world and I hope you die.
No way near as funny as the previous ones but it may make you smile.
‘holic – thanks for raising my spirits.
Can we now consider renaming Pulis as “Bigus Dickus” forever more?
AARON: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior
RYAN: Well, I am a defender.
AARON: A defender, eh, very nice. And how did you get that? By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the idea that Arsenal don’t like it “Up ’em”.
SOL: Aaron, is this your kneecap over here? Oh — how do you do.
RYAN: How do you do, fellow professional. I am Ryan, defender of goals. Who’s goal is that?
SOL: Defender of goals? What was his leg going to do to the goal?
AARON: You’re fooling yourself. We live in a self-perpetuating belief that you have to rough Arsenal up a bit if you want to beat them.
RYAN: Please, please good people. I am in haste. I have to break someone else’s leg before I join up with the England team.
SOL: So how did you get to be in the England team then?
RYAN: My mum, her arm clad in tattoos, comes to collect me after the game signifying by divine providence that I, Ryan, am not that sort of player.
AARON: Listen, your mum collecting you from the game with a box of kleenex is no basis for an ethos of violence towards Arsenal. Supreme power comes from kicking the ball in to the net, not by kicking my shin halfway to Macclesfield.
RYAN: Be quiet!
AARON: Well, you can’t expect to get away with this just because you’re crying.
RYAN: Shut up!
AARON: I mean, if I was Wayne Rooney the media would crucify you.
RYAN: Shut up! Will you shut up!
AARON: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
RYAN: Shut up!
AARON: Come and the violence perpetuated by the media in the UK! Help! Help! I don’t like it “up ’em”
RYAN: Bloody Arsenal Player
AARON: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that? That’s what I’m on about. You saw him injuring me, didn’t you?
SKY SPORTS: Nope, didn’t see a thing. Aww, he’s crying.
I’m really glad you and arseblog have kept it up…just thinking about what happened makes my blood boil so no, there’s no such thing as just “getting over it”. We can move on but overall this cannot be forgotten.
ha ha ha
Hilarious!!!
@ zicoinexile
“Can we now consider renaming Pulis as “Bigus Dickus” forever more?”
Nah. Way too complimentary. Bigus Arsus, I could get on board with….
Thanks to the person who posted the link to Bobby McMahon’s excellent comments re Shawcross’ tackle. McMahon is superior to most of the idiot pundits in England.
And thanks to holic or Perry Talin for the 2nd best laugh of the week (the best was Benitez dissing Fat Sam).
BtM hasn’t shown up because there’s nothing to say about Adebarndoor except that he got his second red card this season. The 2 players City miss most when they’re out are Bellamy and Tevez, the two favorite forwards among City fans if you read City blogs. They don’t miss Ade when he’s out.
Praying to the football gods none of our players get injured today. Cesc v. Sagna (and Henry) should be interesting.
Had me in stitches today, ‘holic, but I think Steve managed to one-up you. Need to step it up a bit lol… unfortunately I can’t think of a suitable bit from The Meaning of Life…
Ramsey’s leg was shit, when you look at it,
Was a joke but not Shawry’s fault its true,
And he is such a top chap,
His challenge wasn’t crap,
If the media said so then i must think so too…
Good stuff!!!
Mornin’ Holic,
I’m glad you haven’t let this go… I still can’t believe what I read everyday (even on the pages of ESPN Soccernet). It’s god-awful.
1. Great parody that. I wonder if the Stokies and other football troglodytes would rather Ramsey have jumped up (ala the Black Knight) exclaiming, “Carry on. Jus’ a flesh wound. Is that the bes’ you can do, Shawie?”
2. Call me ignorant, but why has no one (least of all the FA) looked at the Laws of the Game (you can find them online at http://www.fifa.com/mm/document/affederation/federation/81/42/36/lotg_en.pdf). Pages 39-41 and 119 clearly defines serious foul play and the penalty (sending off) warranted. For the dimwitted (hullo everyone who thinks the issue here was intent or malice), page 119 even has pictures to show you what serious foul play looks like in action. It looks like Shawcross was the model for the very picture! Then again, maybe I am to blame for even thinking that FA is concerned about “Laws.”
Sitting over here in America, I must say, this time around the England team is really going for the “bad-boy” image – philanderers and goons abound. Will you all be terribly upset if our Gooch breaks Shawcross’ or J.T.’s leg – no malice of course… Gooch is not that kind of guy, no way, no sir! (But still…?)
Yesterday captain Fab confirmed 3 times he was staying at Arsenal and today it’s the scout who discovered him who confirms that all the speculations are made up:
The man who discovered Cesc Fabregas for Arsenal is confident that the Gunners will hold on to their star midfielder.
Francis Cagigao, responsible for finding talent in Spain and Portugal, has given short shrift to interest from Barcelona and Real Madrid in Fabregas, who impressed from the first moment the Arsenal scout turned up.
European champions Barca have made no secret of one day re-signing the player they lost to Arsene Wenger seven years ago, but Cagigao doubts claims in the Spanish press that a deal is already agreed for this summer.
Cesc Fabregas of Arsenal
‘All the fuss about Barcelona and Fabregas is simply an invention of the press, to engage in this type of speculation is absurd,’ said Cagigao, who reminisced about just how good the teenage Fabregas was.
‘Even when he was 15 I was captivated by his intelligence. He was mature which is hard to find in young players. It seems he has GPS in his head.’
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1255164/Sat-Nav-Cesc-Fabregas-stay-Arsenal-insists-man-spotted-15-year-old-starlet-Barcelonas-academy.html
‘holic still very funny even though tragic.
From the media coverage it seems as though the thugs have got away with it yet again. The only coverage seems to be of poor Wyan and nothing about the 2 real victims, Aaron and good football.
Respect to you ‘holic.
Though funny all the above parodies undoubtedly are……forgive me please, my fellow Gooners, for finding it very difficult to see the funny side. Hey~ho…..we all have our personal coping strategies. For me the unraveling of the reaction, this week, to Aaron’s injury has been nothing short of tragic.
This week the English footballing press have been collectively (although a few minor a few exceptions stand aside) exposed for what they really are…..a faint-of heart, chicken, yellow bellied, xenophobic, vile, bunch of utter and quite deliberate hypocrites. Totally lacking in any courage, any fortitude or moral fibre, or any conviction for just standing up for the truth.
This for me is incredibly and truly shameful.
There are so many good reasons for my hoping we can win the league this season. But uppermost, and especially after this week, it will give me so much pleasure to see the gentleman that is Arsene Wenger raise aloft the Premiership trophy! That will be the singlemost loudest response, ever there could be, back to press!!
Keep on believing 🙂
The second coming of the arsenal backlash is in evidence this morning, seems we are mightly upset about Rambo, so the media have a new target this morning, Theo is getting the brunt of it across the board, Talkshite, shitball365 and other newspapers etc are writing the poor kid off again, yes he is out of form but he is only 20, he has battled against injuries, and being selected for a tournament that the muppett coach didn’t play him in and he had to play infront of wes second touch is a tackle Brown last night.
I know he divides opinions across the board amongst gooners, but from some of the reaction this morning you would have thought that he has run over saint ryans cat!!!!
Two interesting points from arseblogger yesterday:
google “feel sorry for Ryan Shawcross” v. “feel sorry for Aaron Ramsey” — the results tell you everything.
Ryan Shawcross’ scythe against Aaron Ramsey (it wasn’t a tackle, it was an assault) resulted in a shattered leg and yet Arsenal welcomed him to train at our facilities as part of the national team’s preparations against Egypt.
And here I thought we’re such a miserable, evil club after reading all the fulminations in the blogosphere and media.
Someone we don’t talk about enough: Vela. He scored yesterday for Mexico against New Zealand (granted not the toughest opponent).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQTi6QT904M
I’m dying to know Arsene’s reasoning on why Walcott and Ramsey are more deserving to play than Vela.
Heh, ‘holic.
Time for a cider or two methinks.
#50 Matt
Walcott will get better. He just needs a run of games, in which he will show steady improvement imo. Wenger wants him to have the playing time. And of course with Ramsey, up until his injury, he was showing rapid improvement.
For me, when given the chance, Vela has been very disappointing. Hopefully his time is yet to come in terms of adapting to the English game. Though it always surprises me that he appears to so regularly and consistently produce the goods for Mexico, yet cannot for Arsenal.
@Don: I totally believe in both Walcott and Ramsey but I believe Vela is even more gifted than both of them which is why I don’t understand why he is not given more opportunities, especially considering the form of Eddie and Arshavin this season.
As for being disappointing for Arsenal, he has shown as much if not more skill in a handful of sub appearance this season than Theo. Like every player he needs a run to hone his skills and I hope it will come sooner than later.
Hmmmm……interesting. I think he is a good player. He clearly has potential to be a great player. Very technically gifted, whether playing on or off the ball. He has pace and is strong on the ball, for someone not that big. Strange that he has often been ommitted from the side, with little or no reference to the specifics of his injury……at times when the squad would have seemingly benefitted. Maybe the problem is, as I said earlier, in his adaptation to the British game.
Too, I suppose one of the problems for Wenger is what choice striker is he? RvP first, Bendtner second, Eddie third, then followed by Vela (whilst recognizing he is a very capable wing player too)!? Still overall, I don’t wish to be unnecessarily hard on the player. I had more hope for Vela this season but if am honest, he has largely flattered to deceive.
@ Don,
How can you say that about Vela? He hasn’t had a single start in a PL fixture, and I think he has only had a couple appearances in Carling/FA cup matches. Theo has had more opportunities by a country-mile. I think Vela is top-shelf and should get more time. I watched him single-handedly play the supersub role against the US national team.
I think I hear the hollow ring of “us/the English Game” vs. “them foreigners” in your comments…
Not at all lonestar. Just opinions, that is all. (btw, if you met me, it would quickly become obvious I’d be on rocky ground banging the “us Englishman” drum).
I’m judging Vela on what I have seen of him so far…..that is all. I’m keen as mustard for him to do well at Arsenal, lord knows he has the talent. I just felt this season might have been an opportunity for him, but it has largely passed him by……for reasons I can’t quite understand. Theo has had injuries. So has Eddie. So has RvP. So has Bendtner. But Vela? So far, he’s been somewhat more mysterious – more difficult to pinpoint what has been the issue.
Yes/No?
I have also seen Vela tear apart the US National team and loved every minute of it even though I’m from America. So of the finishes he had on tight angles and dinking the ball over the keeper were sublime.
Also another point I have is did anyone see the beginning of the U 21 England game? there was an EXACT REPLICA 50/50 ball challenge situation as the one with Ramsey and Shawcross in the 3rd minute of the game with Cattermole running towards a ball, quickly sticking his toe in exactly like Ramsey , and the on rushing Greek defender had his leg raised to blast the ball but then almost subconsciously stopped when he had seen Cattermole had won the ball, almost as if it were natural to him t follow through with blasting the player as it would be natural for almost ever other professional who has regard for his fellow professional ; except for Shawcross who did not care who he kicked or what the outcome would be when he decided to follow through on the challenge. everyone should check it out. 3rd minute of match.
natural to NOT follow through**
G’day, ‘holic, do I get a free drink for being the 14,500th drink on your blog? No matter your answer, I’d like a Bushmills if you please.
Burnley defender Leon Cort insists they will not be holding back on their tackles against Arsenal on Saturday.
I don’t believe anyone goes there to kick them. People know that when they play against Arsenal they have to get in their faces and stop them from playing
People talk about ‘getting in their faces’ and if that is what it takes then that is what we will have to do, but you can still tackle well and still tackle with authority and purpose without being dirty or over-the-top.
http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=750684&sec=england&cc=5901
Matt,
Yet again we are hearing it all before ‘let’s get in their faces’ attitude. I have read the whole article and god forbid but if anything happens he should be held accountable beacuse that is just saying , hey we misstime the tackle and we have another player with fibula and tibula in four pieces.
He goes on to say “we are fighting for our lives”, what a fucking knob end, just goes to show how other teams have got no other way of trying to beat us. Let’s get phisical they are all midgets and we can kick them off the park. That is exaclty what he is saying and to me that is very concerning as it sets a very bad mindset of how to play football not just agaisnt us but also for the other more skillfull teams.
This promotes bad tackes and brings violence to the game, those waste of a brearth FA cunts should do something about this.
On a bright side of life this is a good read, it’s all about Chelski have few financial issues:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/leagues/premierleague/chelsea/7370835/Chelsea-are-in-danger-of-becoming-also-rans-in-race-for-financial-supremacy.html
Good find Arthur! Looks like the oligarch is alread bored by his expensive toy. The death spiral has begun for Chelski with half their team overpaid and past their prime and prices of star players overinflated by oil money (Citeh) and state subsidies (Real). The top 4 should be very different in the years to come.
This is a lovely bit of writing.Not alot do with Arsenal but had me laughing and crying out loud
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2010/mar/05/middlesbrough-harry-pearson
well worth a read with a suitable drink
gin please barman
FFS get a grip. Other teams have had players kicked off the park as well.
This happened during a tackle, a badly timed one but certainly not on the scale of gerard’s on le saux or ben tatcher on mendes.
those tackles constitute assault. This was a bad accident.
you’ve had your fair share of leg breaks but do you know why teams target your players? not just because it stops you from playing the way you like, nothing sounds sweeter than a whining bunch of gooners
No more Angostura Bitters for lmr. What team do you ‘support’, lmr?
Snail….definitely not our Almight Arsenal 🙂
LMR – feel free to disappear back under whichever rock it is you just crawled out from.
As for Burnley “fighting for our lives”, we all know what to expect. Lets hasten their return back to the sticks and back to the nether regions of English football.
Come on Arsenal.
@washed up: thanks a lot for the link, best football article in a while.
The initiation of a Boro supporter:
My grandad pointed at the famous pitch that day, green and shimmering with autumn dew, and said: “Look there, that’s the finest turf in the country.” And the bloke behind said: “Hardly surprising, all the shite it’s had on it”.